And down will come baby, cradle and all

Arrgh.

It happens to everyone at one time or another. But I didn't think it would happen to me in quite this way.

My Bones just aired on Fox last night. Okay, so not my Bones. Not exactly. But they sure had my theme and a lot of my little character moments. It was like someone took my spec, rewrote, and slapped it on the air. Only, obviously that's not what happened at all. In the biz they call it parallel development or some such.

Excerpt from their Bones

Angela picks up a baby whose mother has died in the MOW (murder of the week).

ANGELA
I want, like, a million of these!

HODGINS
Cool.
(thinks)
What do you think she meant by a million? Two?

Okay, so that's their take on the Angela / Hodgins relationship. Here's mine.

Excerpt from my Bones
Angela and Hodge are talking babies and she's feeling her way around the subject of maybe not having any.

Dr. Jack Hodgins
I would love-- love to have children with you. But I'd rather have a life with you than a hundred kids without you.

ANGELA
A hundred is a lot.

Dr. Jack Hodgins
How do you feel about two?

ANGELA
I don't know. Confused? Terrified?

Dr. Jack Hodgins
Tempted?

ANGELA
Maybe. A little.

Seriously?! Who's gonna believe I didn't just nick that wholesale from this week's episode?

The thing is, I don't believe their take on it. Angela is this fiercely independent woman. It took Hodgins months of planning and romancing and cajoling to make her decide to give up her freedom and marry him. This is the same person who wants a million babies? Nu-uh. Then there's Hodgins, this romantic family guy (not like that Family Guy) who wants nothing more than to settle down with Angela in a little bungalow somewhere. And he's reticent about having kids? That just doesn't work for me. I feel like my take on it is actually truer to the characters. Of course, now that it's aired, their take is right and mine is wrong. Oh, those TV people have all the power!

And don't even get me started on all the coochie-cooing that went on in that episode. Or the fact that the baby had nothing to do with the murder. You could have just plucked her right out of there and the murder would have been unchanged. Of course, then there would have been no show, because the investigation was just an afterthought anyway. Plus, what the hell was she doing in the tree? You can't just put a baby in a tree and not explain it...

You got me started. And I clearly said "don't get me started".

So anyway, Hart Hanson, since I know you're reading this (I mean, who isn't?), I don't want to be an assistant on your show anymore. I want to be a baby writer (because obviously I know how to write about babies). Just let me know when you want me to start.

Artery Cloggery
We have these Neapolitan soy ice cream sandwiches in the freezer right now, from Fresh and Easy. I really hate Neapolitan ice cream (especially the strawberry part), but that hasn't stopped me from snarfing a few.

Canadian special-interest edition

Long silence, I know. I've been in Vancouver. Not on the set of Battlestar Galactica, like the other Jane. No, I've been hanging out at the US Consulate, begging them to let me stay in LA for a few more years. Which was surprisingly painless, if you don't count the six months of paperwork I did beforehand.

The whole sojourn got me thinking about Canadians in Hollywood. Sometimes it seems like half the writers in any given room are Canadian. Every time you hear a joke about Canada on a TV show, I guarantee it was either written by a Canadian or designed to provoke a Canadian in the writer's room.

For example, on this week's House, Dr. House has to treat an unbelievably nice guy. House thinks it's either a symptom of some mysterious disease, or the guy is Canadian. The House room is full of Canadian writers. House's creator, David Shore, is from London, Ontario. Bones was also created by a Canadian, Hart Hanson. There are kazillions of other examples.

So, do I have an advantage, being a Canadian in LA, looking for work as a writer?

Yes. Mmm, possibly. Actually, no.

See, the thing with being a foreigner in the US is that you have to be able to convince the government you should be allowed to stay. Not only that, but it's very handy if you can convince them to let you work, too. Trouble is, they usually only let certain 'professionals' in. If you want a job as a writer's assistant, or PA, or agent's assistant, you're a bit screwed. I mean, what showrunner is going to go to all the extra trouble of sponsoring you for a position when there are 1,000 other qualified actual US citizens lined up to take the job? I'm pretty sure none. Not even Canadian showrunners have enough time to take pity on poor countrymen struggling to make it in the big city.

If you're a Canuck and you wanna fly south, you need to get yourself a visa. Here are a few options.

TN

• Available to Canadians and Mexicans, though it's harder to get as a Mexican
  
• Ties you to a certain job and allows you to stay for a year (you can renew almost endlessly)
  
• The job has to be on the big list of jobs (called the NAFTA professional job list). If you're an epidemiologist, forester, economist, or urban planner, come on down. But if you're busy being one of those things, chances are you won't have the time to pursue your dream of becoming a writer.
  
• You get it at the border after an interview with an immigration agent (if you're Canadian). The interview can be as short as five minutes with questions like "How fake is this job offer?". I got asked that one when I came down as a Technical Writer. For murkier jobs, like Management Consultant, the interview can last more than an hour, ending with a rejection based on some technical hitch like, "There's no address on this company's letterhead". My husband got that one. He was allowed to come back a few days later with better letterhead, then they gave him the visa.
  

H1-B

• Ties you to a specific job
  
• Open to lots of different foreign nationals. I know Brits and Canadians who have them.
  
• Rarer than a California ground squirrel without bubonic plague. Seriously, I'd avoid their fleas if I were you.
  
• You need to find a company that is willing to sponsor you. You can change jobs later, but I've heard it's a big headache.
  

E2

• Requires you to start a business and make a significant investment in the business (think more than $60,000)
  
• Lots and lots of paperwork
  
• You'll probably need an immigration lawyer to help you out. More money!
  
• After you get it, you need to spend all your time running your business, and no time worming your way into the wonderful world of television
  

Stay in Canada

No matter where we went in Vancouver, we ran into actors, casting agents, execs, and other Hollywood types. It's more LA than LA up there. If you can stand the rain, stay in Vancouver and break in there. The industry is smaller, but there are fewer competitors, too. Once you've cut your teeth on some Canadian shows, you can move down to LA and create your own series for Fox.

My husband and I were successful with our E2 application. He's the main shareholder in our business and I'm on the board of directors. Which means we can actually start to earn a living. I can also now apply for another nifty visa which will allow me to work for anyone. So, yay! Now I've just gotta find that plum opening as a writers' assitant. Hey, David Shore, hiya, Hart Hanson. We all know what a toque is. Wanna give me my big break?

Artery Cloggery

The chocolate rugelach from Siegel's Bagels in Vancouver are the best I've ever had. Their rosemary and rock salt bagels also rule the round bread world. Every time we go there, we beg them to open a branch in LA. You should, too.