if this is LA, i must be a screenwriter

Micro-thinking

2009-04-18T08:35:00.003-07:00

Blogging? What's that?

All my thoughts are formed in 140 characters or less these days.

Yes, you can now follow me on Twitter @awrymag. Aren't you just the luckiest!

Pushing Daisies resurrection

2009-04-09T07:28:00.003-07:00

On Tuesday, I was scoffing at the idea that Pushing Daisies would ever come back, and then this from the Hollywood Reporter this morning:

Finally, ABC will finish off its former Wednesday lineup at 10 p.m. on summer Saturdays, airing remaining episodes of "Pushing Daisies," "Eli Stone" and "Dirty Sexy Money." "Daisies" returns to the schedule May 30-June 13, "Stone" from June 20-July 11 and "Money" from July 18-Aug. 8.

I also found out in the news this morning that my former boss, who was pretty useless and a bit of a coke fiend, has been promoted to head of a large media company. That really grinds my gears.

Trends in speccing

2009-04-08T09:45:00.003-07:00

Did an informal poll at that West Side meet-up the other night. Turns out, everyone is writing web series. Almost all of the people I talked to are writing a traditional pilot and also working on web series at the same time. When I started to think about it, I realized that all of my TV-writing friends who aren't writing film scripts are dabbling in web now.

So if you want to keep up with the cool kids (and create a cool calling card for yourself) the web is seriously where it's at.

Don't expect to make a mint though. Even some friends with semi-successful series have not made any money writing for the web. Then again, how much money are you currently making with your traditional specs?

Another trend I've noticed lately is kids' TV. I've had a few friends mention that they're working on specs of Suite Life and are hoping to break in that way. How hard is it to cross over from kids' to grown-up telly? Anyone know?

Happy Hour TV Writers on the West Side

2009-04-04T16:37:00.005-07:00

For those of you in LA, a chance to drink and talk TV with other writers.

Monday, April 6

5:30pm to 10pm

Rush Street in Culver City

Happy hour ends at 7pm and karaoke begins at 10pm, so choose your time zone carefully! I believe the extremely capable Amaya has secured a private space (upstairs) for us. I hope to see you there (and I hope my work schedule will actually let me go)!

Who gives a crap about a few adorable seals anyway?

2009-03-20T18:34:00.004-07:00

Canadians have a reputation for being affable sorts, with big hearts and liberal views. Why then do we still think it's okay for hunters to bash the crap out of defenseless baby seals as they lie in their nursing grounds?

Now it's your turn to bash some sense into the heads of the Canadian government and the EU Governments who may ban the import of seal products.

Find out more on the Humane Society website, where you can also see some seal pictures by noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker.

Or read more about it right here:

International organizations all agree that this large scale commercial seal slaughter is unsustainable, does not economically benefit Canada (it provides a miniscule return and is partly government subsidized), perpetuates the unnecessary use of fur in fashion, is cruel and is not engaged in by aboriginal groups.

This link to the Humane Society has a list of the things you can do to help save seals https://community.hsus.org/hsi/hsi_protectseals_actions.html. This includes contacting the Canadian government, supporting a boycott on Canadian seafood, and supporting the EU's proposed ban on seal product trade.

This link is a quick one which makes it easy to send an email to the PM. https://community.hsus.org/campaign/global_harper_protectseals08.

This is a link to the International Fund for Animal Welfare where you can support a senate bill to end seal killing. http://www.stopthesealhunt.ca

LA traffic tips

2009-03-04T10:06:00.002-08:00

It is raining, people. Turn on your effing headlights!

This has been a public service announcement.

So tough, so killer, so Fox

2009-02-28T19:33:00.003-08:00

I feel like I should blog because I haven't blogged in millennia and I'm a bad bad blogger for that. But then my lazy brain reminds me I'm on holiday and besides that post I wrote (but never posted) about how disturbing it is that both Echo in Dollhouse and Buffy in Buffy need to have a male watcher/handler/father figure out there taking care of them didn't really hold water when I started to think about it more. I could revise it but it's on my other computer, so that ain't gonna happen.

Instead, here's Eliza Dushku and Summer Glau laughing at the ludicrous Fox promos they had to do for Sci-Fi night. As if men need any more prompting to watch those two kick ass in hot outfits each week.

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Now I'm gonna go put my feet up and read the National Geographic and drink a nice tall gin 'n' tonic. No lemons though, cuz we didn't think to buy any. Damn. Poor me.

So many choices

2009-02-13T13:38:00.003-08:00

You wait all week for a decent TV show, and then, bang!, three come along at once.

Tonight at 9pm: Battlestar Galactica, Friday Night Lights, and Dollhouse!

Thank the gods for DVRs. Now I just need to decide which one to watch first.

Some things i watched this week

2009-02-08T15:14:00.006-08:00

There's a lot of great and some terrible TV swirling around out there this week. And I've been watching all of it.

Friday Night Lights

One of the best episodes ever. Seriously. There is still not a single show, past or present, that I would rather write for. For which I would rather write. Whatevs. Anyway, this week's episode just tore my heart out. I had tears streaming for the last half-hour, so much great stuff going on. I still want to marry the coach, even though I totally love Tammy as well.

After that unbelievably wonderful episode, I couldn't stop myself from watching the "Next Week On FNL" spoilers. Good. Effing. God. They're bringing back Jason Street? And doing a Julie tatoo storyline? Please, spare us. My two least favorite characters doing boring things unrelated to football or the coach or anything we care about as an audience. It will be a miracle if they can pull it off. But then, FNL is a pretty miraculous show, so we'll see.

Trust Me

I kinda love Eric McCormack, maybe as a human being, rather than an actor. Not that I know him or anything, but he just feels like he'd be an awesome uncle or something. And Thomas Cavanagh has a certain scampy charm, so I figured I'd give Trust Me a look, even though I don't want to see another workplace drama ever ever ever. The pilot episode was pretty decent. Enough that I'll watch the next ep anyway.

I'm intrigued with the set-up (odd couple best friends become boss and employee) and I even liked the one female character, who is just like so many writers I know. (One female, in the whole office though? I know the ad world is sexist, but it's not that sexist, is it? Tangent. I have a black male friend who is an ad copywriter. He says when he steps into agencies for the first time, everyone just gapes, like they don't understand why he's not out playing basketball or something.) So yeah, I'll be watching another episode or two. But TNT has seriously got to do something about their online video player. It's pants.

Leverage

I had 10 unwatched episodes of Leverage on my DVR. I was always intrigued, but a heist show? I mean, that's even worse than a workplace drama. I find whenever I'm watching anything remotely procedural, I just kind of tune out when the characters start talking about the evidence, or the symptoms, or the crime, or whatever. When they get back into personal stuff, I snap back to attention. And that's the problem with the Leverage pilot, it's all heist, no personality. OK, not 100% true, but true enough that I tuned out a good 80% of the time. I now have 9 unwatched episodes on my DVR, and I'm not sure if that will ever turn into 8.

Battlestar Galactica

Everyone loooved the Battlestar before last, but I thought this week's was better. But that's like saying, this Red Velvet cupcake is better than that Double Chocolate. I mean, who cares which one is better? I want to eat them both.

Wife Swap and Supernanny

Yeah, I know it's traitorous to watch reality TV. And I never ever do. But Friday night there was something about these two shows the glued me to the TV, hard. I was just stuck. On Wife Swap there were these two poor little kids who were so obviously just-- stupid-- there's no other way to say it. They were several stops short of Dagenham (as Will Self would say, obliquely, unless you've lived in London) and their parents were home-schooling them. Except they weren't really. They were just letting the kids take care of their own education. They could barely write. They could barely speak a full sentence. It was awful. I couldn't look away.

And then on Supernanny, the nanny had to work with a family of 10 kids and an alcoholic dad, who was also clearly gay, but no one mentioned that. The clueless mother still wanted two more children, even though everyone around her was, like, nooooooo! Poor Supernanny just wanted to give her a good slap, but I guess that would have been unprofessional. Anyway, it's good every once in a while to watch these shows and remember that real life is so totally effed up, nothing I could write could be half as interesting.

Dollhouse

Of course, I have not been watching Dollhouse, but I've been reading the interviews and watching the commercials and waiting and waiting. I'm more excited than when Studio 60 was about to air. And we all know how that turned out...

Loving the internets in America

2009-02-04T21:08:00.007-08:00

For my new contract, I've had to spend a lot of time looking at TV and movie sites on the web, nosing through their content, assessing their video players, seeing how they have things organized, that kind of thing.

Now, I already knew there was a lot of good stuff to be watched online, but really, I had no idea the extent of it.

For a start, I found 30 Days on Fancast. I loved the first season of this Morgan Spurlock series that's like wife swap without the nuptials. I'm definitely going to dig into seasons 2 and 3 when I get the chance.

After seeing Milk the other night, I said to my man, "that was pretty good, but it just makes me wish I'd seen the documentary about Harvey Milk instead". Guess what, Fancast has that, too. Sweet.

From an interview with Joss Whedon I discovered The Guild, which must be the best web series ever. It's at least as funny as your average episode of The Office, and it makes me want to be best friends with Felicia Day. Already finished watching all of the eps, so hurry and make more please, best buddy!

I used the Showtime website to watch the first episode of United States of Tara. I can't decide which is more lackluster, the actual show or the Showtime website. Both made me never want to return, which is too bad, because I loved Juno and I love Toni Collette, so I was hoping for good things from UST. Maybe it'll get better as it grows into itself. Which I will never know unless they put more episodes online for free.

Flight of the Conchords premiere episode was on Funny or Die for a while. Oh wait, it's still there. I love this show almost enough to fork out for HBO. Only, I think I can wait until the DVDs come out.

Then there's Hulu, which has House and Lost and Scrubs and all the other shows my DVR

insists on accidentally not taping each week. Plus, Hulu's website is waaay better than any of the network's sites, which just adds to the watching pleasure for me. Plus, on Hulu, you can watch a load of old favorites like The O.C., and Party of Five (remember when Jack was

Charlie?), and um, Silver Spoons, and Sliders.

Really? Who is watching Sliders?

What does all this mean, besides even more hours logged watching the goggle box? Well, to me, it's just TV pointing itself in the right direction. Why tie us down to schedules and 42" screens when we can watch anywhere, anytime, ad-supported and free? I love it.

Now if only someone could -- a. tell me where to watch True Blood for free and b. get the BBC to open its borders so I can watch their video, too -- things would be extra super cool.

Guess I can't complain though, since my Canadian and UK friends are locked out of all the goodies I've just mentioned. And it's snowing where they live. Ha.

Right now, in sunny California, I'm gonna watch that episode of the O.C. where they use the word 'yogilates' like 300 times. Golden.

It's an addiction

2009-02-01T13:50:00.003-08:00

Every single day I think about quitting. I'm kind of like a cancer-conscious smoker, who thinks about quitting every time they light up. Every time I sit down at the keyboard I think "Maybe I should just quit. Maybe if I quit then I'd have time to have more fun and relax and just enjoy life."

So why don't I? Why don't you? What keeps us writing?

Discuss.

Girls can write, too

2009-01-24T14:35:00.005-08:00

Watching the Golden Globes this year and looking at the list of Oscar nominees, I was struck, as I always am, by the monoculturism (did I just make this word up? I like it) of the nominees for best screenplay. So many white men. What is it that makes white guys movies' so much more award-worthy? Don't ask me, I'm just a woman.

Being a woman, I can't really think of a clever segue right now, so I'll just get to the point.

Write Girl, one of the coolest non-profits going, has their annual gala event coming up in just a few short days (Jan 29 to be exact). It's the Bold Ink Awards, where they honor some of our favorite non-male writers for their stellar achievements. Even better, they welcome members of the public to attend and find out more about the organization.

If you don't give a crap about anything besides your own writing career, think of it as a chance to hob-nob with these snazzy writers:

Wanda Coleman, Poet

Jennifer Crittenden, Screenwriter

Naomi Foner, Screenwriter

Gigi Levangie, Novelist/Screenwriter

Sonia Nazario, Journalist

Gina Prince-Bythewood, Screenwriter/Director

Carolyn See, Novelist

Dian Warren, Grammy-winning Songwriter

More info on the Write Girl website.

Call this number for tickets 213-253-2655. Mention you were referred by Celine Malanum for a super-duper extra discounted rate (keeping in mind that if you happen to be a very rich person, the proceeds go to the foundation, so you could consider paying the full ticket price).

We have chosen hope

2009-01-20T10:06:00.002-08:00

Watcha watching?

2009-01-13T15:41:00.003-08:00

Friday Night Lights starts this week. Friday, January 16, 9pm, NBC. Watch it, or else.

Oh, and yay! for Anna Paquin winning the Golden Globe for True Blood. I know awards are wank, but God I love, love, love that show.

Breaking all the rules

2009-01-02T17:38:00.003-08:00

I've been known to blab on at length about the powers of a solid outline. About how you need to know where you're going before you start going there. (In the real world, I'm a Google maps addict.)

But you know what? Sometimes you just gotta write.

I have 51 pages of my new pilot drafted. It's rough. Of course it's rough, but you know what, it's a damn sight better than the half-finished outline I have for that last pilot I tried to write.

For this current pilot, my outline was a bit rough when I started writing scenes, but I know the story I want to tell. I've been rolling it over in my mind for about a year now. So I'm flying by the seat of my pants a bit. I'll clean it up in post. Anyway, it feels good to knock out pages. It feels good to get something done.

So that's it. That's my advice for this post.

Sometimes you just gotta write.

Finish something

2008-12-22T09:04:00.007-08:00

It's the holidays. Most of us will be taking some time off to visit family, drink eggnog, and get our Christmas cheer on. But we're writers, so we're also all thinking "Woohoo! Free time to write stuff."

Here's my challenge, to myself and to anyone else who wants to take me up on it:

Before you go back to work in January, finish something.

Choose any piece of work you want. If you feel brave, tackle an entire script you've been rolling around in your head. For the meek (who cannot resist the persistent call of eggnog and Christmas TV) finish that last act you've been avoiding.

Personally, I aim to write a first draft of my new pilot. Right now it's in the 'treatline' stage (half-treatment, half-outline), so I've got my work cut out for me.

What's your challenge going to be? Post it in my comments section along with progress reports during the holiday and I promise to provide moral support.

PS. If you're dying to buy me a Christmas present, the Christmas Story Leg Lamp Head Knocker is high on my list.

Yabba dabba do!

2008-12-10T17:41:00.002-08:00

I wonder if these guys realize how funny this is.

Judging by the music, I'd say they do.

Knowing when to say when

2008-12-05T17:27:00.003-08:00

I've been avoiding blogging because I didn't want to be a downer. Writing has been a chore lately. I've been torturing myself with my new BBC-bound pilot, dragging myself to the computer at infrequent intervals, forcing myself to try work out the kinks, even though it just ain't working.

Which brings us to today's topic. How do you know when it's time to abandon a project?

I wish I could actually answer this question for you. It's not an easy one. Take, for example, my current pilot. I know I love the idea. I know the themes are solid, there's a lot of story there,the 'what is it' is clear and enticing, and I have the personal experience to give it that extra oomph. I'm still very committed to the idea, but, as my writer's group will attest, I just can't make it work. And the more I can't make it work, the less I want to think about it. And the less I want to think about it, the less I want to write, the less I want to be a writer.

Yeah, I guess should have said 'uncle' quite a while ago. I left it too long, let one project infect my soul until I almost wanted to give up trying to be a TV writer altogether.

On the other hand, I have a few friends (you know who you are) who hardly ever finish anything. I've read their 90% completed pilots and thought "Man, this is gonna be great when it's done!". I've told them as much. But I can think of at least 4 pilots of 4 great writers that are still only 90% done. Meanwhile, those writers have gone on to start other projects, sometimes lots of other projects, and left their cookies a little under-baked. And you just can't serve under-baked cookies to guests, the same way you can't show unfinished pilots to potential employers.

Plus, it's a lot easier to start a script than it is to finish one.

(Nostalgic aside: This makes me think of one of my favorite Buffy scenes where Buffy compares her relationship with Angel to baking cookies. The metaphor quickly turns a lot dirtier than Buffy intended. Man, I miss that show. Perhaps it's time for a rewatch, since the current season of television has encouraged me to read a lot of books.)

So where is that line between slightly under-baking your delicious cookies and recognizing that the batter is yucky and you ought to just…

This metaphor ain't working.

I wish I had a magic answer. Like, you must put in at least x number of hours before you decide to leave a project behind. But there isn't one. I guess the best way to know if you're an early-abandoner or a bash-it-until-it-bleeds-er is to look at your pile of finished scripts and compare it to your pile of ideas you've started writing.

Lots of nascent scripts and very few finished ones? You have earlyabandoneritis. Take some antiabandotics.

Do you just have one script you've been bashing away at now for, like, forever, and nothing in your finished pile? It's time to put that baby to bed and start something new. You can always pick it up again in a few months if you really want to.

(Incidentally, this story has a happy ending for me, this time at least. As soon as I trashed that one pilot and started a new one, I magically felt like writing again. And I got more done in a couple of hours than I've done on that other project in a couple of months. Sigh.)

How to write a spec(tacular) pilot: step five

2008-11-19T12:39:00.002-08:00

Back to my monthly(ish) series on writing a spec pilot. Coincidentally, I have been taking about a month to do each of these steps myself. Which is pathetic. But anyhow, if you missed any installments, here they are:

Step One: Join a Writers' Group
Step Two: Have a Great Idea
Step Three: Heroes and Villains
Step Four: The Story

So now you're ready for:

Step Five: The Outline

I'll be honest, this is the part that kills me. This is the part that has me creating Excel documents and Powerpoints and using the index cards in Celtx and filling notebook pages with ideas and scratching my head and tearing my hair out.

Some people can just breeze through the outline, having lined up the whole story in their head beforehand, each nugget dropping neatly onto the page one terrific story point at a time.

I hate those people.

My process is more like throwing rice pudding at the wall, one splatted spoonful after another (but less fun). Most of that stuff does not stick, then you have a huge mess to clean up later.

So how does this help you?

Well, if you're struggling through your outline, at least you now know that while it might not be exactly normal, at least you're not the only one.

I can also toss around a few tips to help you out. Maybe.*

Do a beat sheet

A beat sheet is a little point-form compendium of the key moments in your script. It can take any form you want it to, as long as it helps you compile all the must-have moments that make up your story.

You might want to think about adding some character beats in here - ones that don't necessarily give the story a huge push forward, but will shed light on your characters.** This is a pilot, after all, and we want to know who these people are.

The most important beats (and therefore the most difficult) are the act outs. They need to be strong, attention-grabbing, edge-of-your-seat moments that will cause your audience to flip the page as fast as their little fingers will let them. The middle act out also needs to turn the story in a new direction.***

Do not. I repeat in bigger letters Do Not start your outline if your act breaks are weak. I speak from experience. I have rewritten so many outlines trying to find my act breaks and it's just not the way to go. Plan your act outs, and the rest of the story will be easier to craft. (In theory. To me, story is never easy.)

Be detailed
Like really, really detailed. Really. The best outline I've ever read was written by writer's group member Adam. It was the first thing he gave to the group as a new member. It was so full of tone and detail, it felt like reading a script.

It made me laugh. Out loud. It made me cringe when the characters were being embarrassing. It made sense and I knew at the end of it exactly what the script would be (in fact, the outline was so good that the script was only a slightly better read - and it's a great script).

My point is, be like Adam. Get your characters working, get your tone on the page, let your voice live in the outline, and give each scene a beginning, middle, and end.

Don't rush
It is so tempting at this stage to just write a damn scene already. And if you're stuck or tired of outlining, go ahead. But only enough to get the juices flowing. Then go back to your outline. Fill in the blanks and then fill in the blanks between the blanks. Read it backwards and forwards. Is your story working and making sense? Are your characters like actual 3D people? Is your tone and voice ringing through. No? Then... iron out the creases, steamroll the bumps, squish the rolled-up cookie dough down with the back of a spoon until your outline is smooth as a smooth thing.

When you're done the outline, it's going to be so detailed and crease-free that writing the first draft of your script should take, oh, about 5 hours (you know, depending on your WPM).

Then you'll spend the next six weeks rewriting. But I get ahead...

+++++++++++++++++++++++

*And then I hope you will add a few tips in the comments section to help me out. Lord knows I need it.
** A lot of people will tell you not to do this. No character moments for the sake of character moments, but I say, if you're writing that kind of pilot, go for it. What would Greek, or The OC, or Gilmore Girls, or even Buffy be without pure lovely character moments?
*** People talk about this a lot, but what does it really mean? To me, it means that something happens that you did not see coming. Something that makes your character rethink what they're trying to do, or gives them an idea for a new way to solve their problem, or adds layers to their problems they did not expect. This act break should make the audience say "No way!"

A post to tide you over until the next post

2008-11-18T13:19:00.005-08:00

I'm working on my next How to Write a Spec(tactular) Pilot post, but it's not quite done yet, so for now I'll leave you with an interesting post from Dead Things on Sticks about getting down to it and writing your pilot.

For those of you in the LA area, we TV writers and wannabes will be having our monthly gathering tomorrow night. Come on down.

Wednesday, Nov 19
The Falcon
7213 Sunset Blvd, Hollywood, CA

Look for the palest, most unkempt gang of people you can find. That'll be us.

A shot in the arm, a kick in the teeth

2008-11-05T11:12:00.007-08:00

Just when you’re starting to think that people really aren't all that bad -- because they have chosen a startlingly intelligent mixed-race man who grew up in exotic places like Africa and Hawaii and whose name sounds kinda foreign and terroristy (instead of a rich white war hero whose name sounds like hookers and ~~French~~ freedom fries) for the highest office in the land -- you suddenly realize how repellent people really are.

In California, it seems, equal rights for chickens are more important than equal rights for same-sex couples. And hey, I'm all for letting those little chickens stretch out their wings, but shouldn't same-sex couples be allowed the same freedom?

Some people are just fucking crazy.

Dog risks life for kittens

2008-10-27T09:03:00.003-07:00

Awww...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/7691667.stm

So, I'm back in the real world of being a writer, starting today. I'll be dazzling you with writing-related blog posts in no time. Stay tuned...

Hello and see you later

2008-10-19T16:05:00.003-07:00

You may have noticed my complete absence from blog land. I'm not gone, just, well, taking a break from everything writing-related. I'm having a bad "I don't wanna" kind of attitude lately, and I need to do something drastic to make it go away. So I'm giving myself a full week to just not think about it.

Starting now.

On her majesty's secret service

2008-09-28T12:20:00.004-07:00

As a TV writer / TV fanatic, I hold the facts about dozens (hundreds) of characters in my head all at one time. I was pretty surprised to discover that it qualifies me to become the next James Bond.

Are you cut out for MI6?

This post is about TV writing (sort of)

2008-09-23T10:51:00.003-07:00

Excellent friend and wonderful musician Chris T-T sent me a link to Aaron Sorkin's idea of how a conversation between Obama and Bartlet might go. He's got the Bartlet character down cold, but Obama's voice could use a little work...

Here's a snippet, but go read the whole thing.

OBAMA I don’t mean your marriage, sir. I mean how did you get America on your side?
BARTLET There again, I didn’t have to be president of America, I just had to be president of the people who watched “The West Wing.”
OBAMA That would make it easier.
BARTLET You’d do very well on NBC. Thursday nights in the old “ER” time slot with “30 Rock” as your lead-in, you’d get seven, seven-five in the demo with a 20, 22 share — you’d be selling $450,000 minutes.
OBAMA What the hell does that mean?
BARTLET TV talk. I thought you’d be interested.
OBAMA I’m not. They pivoted off the argument that I was inexperienced to the criticism that I’m — wait for it — the Messiah, who, by the way, was a community organizer. When I speak I try to lead with inspiration and aptitude. How is that a liability?
BARTLET Because the idea of American exceptionalism doesn’t extend to Americans being exceptional. If you excelled academically and are able to casually use 690 SAT words then you might as well have the press shoot video of you giving the finger to the Statue of Liberty while the Dixie Chicks sing the University of the Taliban fight song. The people who want English to be the official language of the United States are uncomfortable with their leaders being fluent in it.

I just voted

2008-09-20T11:53:00.009-07:00

I just cast my vote for the federal election.

No, not *that* federal election. The Canadian one, which I bet a lot of you didn't even know is happening. In Canada, things happen quickly. The feds call an election and then about 7.67 minutes later, there's a new Prime Minister. Or at least, I hope there will be a new Prime Minister, because the current one ~~is a total douche~~ is really not my cup of tea.

If you're a Canadian, read McGrath or Dixon or Golick for more about the Canadian candidates and how they will affect your life as an artist.

If you're American, I think you know who's running already. Just get out there and vote, and get others to vote, and drive your neighbor to the polling stations, and... the future of the world is in your hands. Don't drop it.

Paris Hilton is totally ready to lead

2008-09-16T09:50:00.003-07:00

She can't act, she can't sing, she can't drive. But her energy policy kicks ass.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Why TV?

2008-09-12T15:01:00.014-07:00

Jumping onto the meme-wagon when the train has already left the port... Josh tagged me a while back.

Why do I want to write TV?

TV writing seems like such an obvious choice for me now that the real answer at this point is "Why would I want to do anything else?" So it's hard to believe that it was less than two years ago that I had never even considered writing TV. I'd barely considered the idea that writing TV was a job that actual people did. I mean, I was aware that Jane Espenson and Joss Whedon and Aaron Sorkin were people - but they seemed more like otherworldly creatures that were sent to Earth to create fictional friends for my weekly play dates.

So yeah, I was aware that people wrote TV in the same way I'm aware that people walk on the moon and explore the Arctic via dogsled and live in huts in the jungles of Brazil... it's just not something you'd actually consider doing yourself (though I have always wanted to become an Arctic explorer).

Then you up and move to LA because it's so sunny there and the food is great and it's near the ocean and you have a life crisis and wonder what the hell you're going to do to pay the bills while still fulfilling your creative aspirations and avoiding the nine-to-five slog through drudgery that so many people experience and you realize you've always been a writer and you decide to write...

...a movie.

Yup. Hands up. How many of you wrote a movie (or tried to) before you ever realized you should be in TV?

I did. I studied up on structure and story and character development and wrote a god-awful semi-autobiographical romantic comedy about what happens when a rock star falls in love with you. At least I finished it. Though I'm not sure in this case that was a good thing.

At some point (I wish I could remember when) there was some sort of epiphany. I realized I didn't know the names of any movie writers -- only TV writers. My shelves were full of TV shows on DVD. When our Netflix movies came in the mail, I never wanted to watch them, because there was always a new show on our DVR for me to watch. I loved TV. I didn't give a crap about movies. What the hell was I doing?

So I ditched my "How to write a box office smash" books and went to the library where I found Alex Epstein's Crafty TV Writing. I reread every post of Jane Espenson's blog. I watched every episode of Grey's Anatomy and then I wrote a spec.

It felt good. Really good. But I still had to gather courage to tell my Mom what my new career path was going to be.

I was expecting dead silence from her end of the phone, quickly followed by the now familiar, "I always thought you'd be a great lawyer." The silence came, but then, slowly, thoughtfully, she said "I can really see you doing that. That's perfect for you."

Woohoo! A Mom-approved career choice that I am passionate about.

Why would I want to do anything else?

Everyone I know in LA has already been tagged with this, so, my Canadian cousins, it's your turn.

This is a music blog, right?

2008-09-10T09:41:00.006-07:00

I know I'm supposed to be posting about writing, but my favorite band in the world*, Calexico, released their new album, Carried to Dust, yesterday.

It's perfect music for writing atmospheric moody scenes. Here's a little taste.

*Calexico and Wilco have been in a dead heat for the title of Jane's Fav Band In The World for years. Calexico are currently in the lead mainly because of the excessive use of guitar wankery on Wilco's Sky Blue Sky.

Songs should be 3.5 minutes long.
Guitar solos should not.

I'm still alive

2008-09-09T13:48:00.003-07:00

I have a lot to blog about, like how I sat next to Chris Fedak to watch the season premiere of Chuck, and how real-life annoyances and irritations can make for excellent dramatic fodder, and how sunning by the pool in a five-star hotel in Santa Barbara doesn't really help productivity...

...but I don't have time for any of it. So I'll just share this treasure trove of BBC scripts that I found today instead. Now we can all learn to write in English.

How to write a spec(tacular) pilot: step four

2008-08-30T13:03:00.006-07:00

If you've been following along in this periodic series, you'll have already done the following:

Step One: Join a Writers' Group
Step Two: Have a Great Idea
Step Three: Heroes and Villains

So now you're ready for:

Step Four: The Story

This is the step I struggle with the most, so maybe all of you have some advice for me? Right now I'm stuck in story-land on my destined-for-the-BBC pilot. I know what I want the central conflicts of the show to be, but I still don't have a solid plot to wrap them around. I should be working on it right now. Maybe by writing this blog, I'll give myself the knowledge I need to move forward.

I might not know the best way to come up with a plot, but I do know one thing:

Your pilot must have a plot!

Sounds obvious, right? But it's so easy to forget about plot while you're carefully crafting characters and creating a new world. I and the other members of my writers group have all learned the plot thing the hard way. Without exception, each of us who has written a pilot turned in a first draft that was a very entertaining introduction of the characters and their world, and... that was it. The same note came back each time.

"Yeah, but where's the plot?"

It's not enough to say, my pilot is about a small-town girl in Kansas who has a trusty sidekick in her dog, Tutu. Uh-huh? And what does she do? What happens? What's her struggle?

You need an answer. In the pilot she gets whisked off by a tornado to a strange land where lions are cowardly and robots need oil. (Don't tell anyone it turns out it was all just a dream - or was it?)

It helps to think about your pilot on two levels: the series and the episode.

On the series level, you introduce the conflicts that will create stories for future episodes. The series conflicts, if you will. These conflicts come back again and again to haunt your characters. Lorelai Gilmore vs her mother. The siblings' nosiness on Brothers and Sisters. The weird, mystical, and dangerous behaviors of the island on Lost. They are ever-present within the series, and without them, it's not the same show anymore.

But, on the episode level, you need another conflict. An episode struggle for your characters. It will probably grows out of one of those series conflicts, or it could give rise to a series conflict. For example, on Gilmore Girls, the pilot plot is that Lorelai needs to find the tuition money to send Rory to her chi-chi private school. Which gives rise to the series struggle of Lorelai being beholden to her mother. (Beholden. I love that word.)

It can feel artificial coming up with a plot upon which to hang all your characters. That's why you need to do it now, before you start writing your outline. Make it rise naturally out of the situation you've set up - out of your characters' dreams, their hang-ups, or their world. If you do that, the story will be unique to your show. It wouldn't work if you transported it to some other series with another set of characters. If your story would work on Lost, or Pushing Daisies, or Greek, you need a different story.

Hmm, let's see if I can make this easier. A doe, a deer, a female... wait, where was I? Oh yeah, a specific plot that will only work in your series.

Okay, we'll stick with the Wizard of Oz example. Dorothy gets whisked away from her life and transported to another world where strange things happen. You could do that to anyone, anywhere. Fox Mulder. Michael Bluth. Meredith Grey. That's because the story happens to her. It comes from somewhere far away and it takes Dorothy away from her world.

If you want your pilot story to work, you need to have a story that comes from within.

Take Friday Night Lights. The pilot story is simple. Coach Taylor must lead his team to victory in the first game of the season. This story comes straight from the characters and the place they live. Taylor is passionate about football - so the game means everything to him. The town is passionate about football, so if they lose the game, it means everything. This story wouldn't work anywhere else, because anywhere else, we'd all be saying "It's only a stupid game". But to Coach Taylor and his team, it's life and death.

Okay, so, if you don't have a plot, get one. Something that is life or death to your characters (even if might seem petty to an outsider). And it doesn't hurt to drag them through the mud while you're at it, as long as they struggle on to victory (or emotional growth).

Now I need to go think about how all this applies to my new characters as they careen drunkenly around London, shagging each other with merry abandon.

Is the BBC doing spoof news now, too?

2008-08-28T13:22:00.005-07:00

Hot on the heels of The Onion's Aaron Sorkin Gets Animated article, there is this very silly article.

West Wing writer tackles Facebook

Screenwriter Aaron Sorkin has agreed to make a film about the founders of social networking site Facebook.

Sorkin, who created US TV drama The West Wing and wrote the Tom Hanks movie Charlie Wilson's War, has even opened a Facebook account to aid his research.

"I figured a good first step in my preparation would be finding out what Facebook is, so I've started this page," he wrote.

Um, I think I'd rather see an animated West Wing but, sadly, this article comes from the BBC. So unless today is April 1 in England, I think we might be forced to endure a movie about a website sometime in the not-too distant future.

I'm pretty sure even Aaron can't pull that off convincingly.

BTW, if you can find his official Facebook page, let me know. Do you think Aaron will say yes to my friend request?

Sorkin to get animated

2008-08-21T21:21:00.007-07:00

Big news!

Aaron Sorkin Announces New 'West Wing' Animated Series at SorCon

On Day two of the 2008 San Diego SorCon, the biggest Aaron Sorkin convention in the world, screenwriter and producer Aaron Sorkin revealed plans for his next project, an animated continuation of his most popular franchise, The West Wing.

"I'm excited to bring my Emmy Award-winning writing to the field of animation," Sorkin said in a speech before approximately 30,000 screaming fans, many of whom were dressed up in the business-suit costumes of their favorite Sorkin characters. "The costs of live-action production restricted me to a set only slighly larger than the actual White House and an ensemble cast of under 15 actors. But animation technology will enable us to provide fans with extended 40-minute walk-and-talks, digitally compressed dialogue for faster delivery, and a cast of over 70 main characters...

Events scheduled for day three at SorCon include a panel discussion on rapid-fire dialogue, an American President debate on what sorts of policy deals would cause the president's girlfriend to break up with him in the modern day, and a seminar on how freebasing cocaine can improve your screenwriting.

Hilariously specific article in The Onion. Do most people know who Aaron Sorkin is? Is there a regional LA issue of The Onion? Is everyone as obsessed with the West Wing as I am? Would this be funny if you'd never heard of Aaron Sorkin?

I like to think these are the questions The Onion's editors ask before saying "Aww, screw it. It'll be funny to someone out there."

And they were right. It was.

When life gets in the way

2008-08-18T16:39:00.003-07:00

I finished my Disney application, and then I fell off the earth.

It happens sometimes – you just can't find the time (or the energy) to write.

The trick is to make sure it doesn't happen too much, or for too long. One week? No problem. You're back on the horse before you notice you fell off. Two weeks. A little worse. A whole month? Whoa. You've got some splainin' to do, Lucy.

When it happens, I think the trick is to not let that become the norm. Set yourself a strict schedule if you have to. Book yourself as busy at least a couple evenings a week, and maybe one morning on the weekend. Go somewhere that is not home. Take only your laptop and your ideas. (And maybe your iPod and your wallet, cuz coffee always helps.) Don't use the old "I'm watching TV – it's the same as writing" excuse too often. Yeah, watching TV is crucial, but if you're always watching and never producing, then you're no different than the rest of America, watching your eight hours a day.

It's tempting to sit back and take it easy, now that all the fellowships are applied for and it's summer. Sure, give yourself a little break. Fair enough. You've earned it.

Then start a shiny new project, or dig out something that you've been avoiding polishing, find a writing partner, a group, a great café. Do whatever you need to do to make sure you're still a writer, and not just a couch potato with a laptop.

Me? I'm working on a brand new pilot to send to the BBC. Figure I might as well use my British-living background to launch some work through one of the only open doors in the business.

Disney application details

2008-08-03T11:00:00.003-07:00

Just working on my Disney application, and I noticed this sentence on the application form itself:

Please include on a separate page in 500 words or less why you are interested in the fellowship and how your voice would add to the diverse landscape that is television.

That's a lot more specific than the generic "statement of intent" phrase they've used elsewhere. Also a little harder to do, I think.

I'm kinda stuck right now, to be honest. Maybe I should go back and polish my Pushing Daisies for a while instead.

30-Second Restaurant Reviews
Casa Bianca Pizza Pie
1650 Colorado Blvd, Los Angeles, CA

A line of hungry patrons waits.
And for what?
Greasy pizza pie.
Over-cheesed and under-sauced.
Am I the only one who feels this way?

Duck, cover, hold

2008-08-01T14:23:00.009-07:00

Does the California Governer's Office of Emergency Services have no sense of irony whatsoever? These are their instructions in the case of an earthquake.

How to write a spec(tacular) pilot: step 3

2008-07-26T14:21:00.000-07:00

Good golly, am I really only on Step 3? I hope you're working slowly, because my tips for writing a Spec(tacular) Pilot are not exactly coming thick and fast.

On the plus side, you've had plenty of time to organize your writers' group and hone your idea. If you don't know what the F I'm talking about, you can catch up here:

Step One: Join a Writers' Group
Step Two: Have a Great Idea

Step Three: Heroes and Villains

Now it's time to do a lot more thinking about characters.

Activate your hero
Everyone knows this precious rule of thumb, and yet, so many scripts come out with the lead character sitting dumbly by while things happen around them, it makes me want to bash my TV in. (Not really. I love my TV.)

Let's have a little example from the (un)real world of TV.

Bionic Woman vs Sarah Connor
In the pilots for Bionic Woman and The Sarah Connor Chronicles, we were introduced to two women, both supposed to be ass-kicking ladies who had the chutzpah to lead their own shows. As such, everything (ie. the success of the show) hinged on these characters.

But, is there any doubt who would win in a fight – even if she doesn't have artificially installed super-strength? No, thought not.

Sarah Connor is not a nice person. She kills people, she's hard on her son, doesn't trust anyone, she's kinda dark, rarely smiles. Total hard ass. But she makes the decisions. She acts. She has a goal (a very noble goal) and no two-bit terminator is going to stop her from protecting her son and saving the world. Sometimes she has to do bad things for the greater good, but we don't mind, we like her, because she GOES FOR IT.

I can't speak for what happens to Jamie Sommers after the Bionic Woman pilot, because I hated her so much from the start, I never made it to episode two. But we're talking about pilot writing here, so episode two isn't important. In the pilot, Sommers is this nice, sensible, girl. Friendly, unassuming. Which might make for a nice person to go to the movies with, but a character like that really can't carry a show. Add to that her reluctance to become the Bionic Woman and her general whiny "why me?"-ness and you wonder what dark forces were at work in the creation of this character. Incidentally, compare this to the Buffy pilot, where we have another reluctant heroine. But the Buffy pilot works because there is something Buffy wants - to be a normal teenage girl - and she'll do anything to get it. (Plus, she gets to kick ass on some gnarly vampires before the episode is over.)

Anyway, you probably know where I'm going with this (since I've said it before): your lead character should be a go-getter, a force of nature, someone to be reckoned with. Think of Veronica Mars, think of Eric Taylor, John Locke, Greg House… even Jerry Seinfeld and Michael Bluth... they all want something, and they're all out there trying to get it.

What does your lead character want?

And just as crucial…

Who is standing in their way?
I'm gonna make a statement here that may not be popular. It's not something I've read in books, or learned from some sage advice-giving pro. It comes from struggling with my own pilot and watching my friends struggle with theirs.

Big build-up, crescendo in the dramatic music...

Make all (or almost all) of your supporting characters antagonists for your lead.

Or, if you're writing an ensemble show, make each character a potential antagonist for every other character.

Think about it and you'll see that this makes sense. If you want to set up a show that could run for 100 episodes or more, you're gonna need lots of conflict. If there's potential conflict from all angles, you've got a lot of meat to chew on before you have to go down to Vons and buy up some more tri-tip steak (aka. introduce a bunch of new characters).

But where can we see this on TV, you ask?

House is surrounded by people who argue, stand in his way, and make his life miserable (usually for his own good). There's not a yes-man among them, which means there's lots of personal conflict for the writers to draw on. They've gone a step further here and made House his own worst enemy.

In Friday Night Lights, the whole town is full of people who are just waiting for Eric Taylor to slip up. And his wife and his daughter, his two biggest supporters, do their share of damage, too.

Brothers and Sisters is an ensemble show where the same principle is in effect. Each sibling -- and their mom -- has the potential to cause problems for their brothers and sisters. And they do.

The Bluths make Michael miserable on Arrested Development. Every single one of them. His only (reluctant) ally is George Michael and I bet that would have changed if the show had existed much longer.

In contrast, a show like The O.C., where the main characters are all basically friends, found itself having to introduce lots of new characters each season so they wouldn't run out of stories (they ran out of stories anyway).

You'll notice that all the above shows are pretty much character-driven. In procedural and high-concept shows, there tends to be more of an Us vs. Them structure.

Lost is a good example. For a long time it was Good (the castaways) vs Bad (the others). But don't you think things got waaay more interesting when the castaways splintered off into factions and you didn't know who was right, who was wrong, and who was just plain evil?

True procedurals, like Bones, CSI, or even Buffy, get away with being even more black and white. But they can afford to be, because they have a weekly guest antagonist (the crime/criminal/demon), so they don't rely as much on inter-character conflict.

So, once again (and I cannot stress this enough), these are my observations, not hard-and-fast-carved-in-stone rules. Go ahead and worship the Golden Calf if you want. You could find lots of examples where these ideas don't apply. I'm merely suggesting, if you want to make writing your first pilot a little easier, and you want me to like you:

Activate your damn lead and Make everyone an antagonist

Got it? Good.

Polar bears make me want to cry

2008-07-25T09:05:00.002-07:00

I was happy because I 'finished' my Pushing Daisies in time to send it to Warner today. But now I am sad because, polar bears.

Seriously, have one less $13 drink at The Standard each month and give it to the WWF instead.

F*** the casual viewer

2008-07-22T09:24:00.004-07:00

Somehow The Wire's David Simon manages to be incredibly interesting in the face of this cheesy interview by ex-Kenickie popster, Lauren Laverne. I especially like his comments around the 3:15 mark.

Eighty writers in one small room

2008-07-18T09:10:00.006-07:00

Holy Toledo. The first night of the LA TV Writers meet-up / get-together / hoe-down / shindig was:

1. Wonderful
2. Packed (60 people? 80? more)
3. Kinda scary, actually

Scary in that there are so many talented, driven people out there, all trying to get those few, precious jobs. Of course, the scary was totally drowned out by the fact that, for once, everyone in the room was walking around proudly saying "I'm a TV writer".

The question of the night was not "What do you do?" but "What are you writing?"

Here are the hot specs of the season, as determined by me in my wholly unscientific poll of all the people I talked to.

In comedy, Samantha Who? and 30 Rock are the clear winners.

In drama, I spoke to several Dexters and Friday Night Lights, a couple of Pushing Daisies, a Mad Men or two, and one House. Everyone agreed that there was no definitive drama this year, and we could pretty much write whatever we want.

The bloggers were out in force. Amanda was there, of course. And Josh. But I also got to meet Our Man in Los Angeles, Red Right Hand, and Writerling. I know I’m missing out at least a few others. Damn this short-term memory. Check Josh's blog for a more complete list.

**Update**

More bloggers who where there. Susanna, who has a cute picture of the event, and Hollie, who I didn't get to meet.

**End update**

I met people who had been Writers on the Verge, ABC Fellows, NBC Fellows, and Warner Workshoppers. I met someone who had just sold their pilot, and people who had done freelance episodes for shows, and people who were looking for their next staff job. I also met a few people who were writing their very first TV spec ever. There was range in that room, baby.

Writers were getting groups together and talking about agents and sharing tips on how to be funny and talking about the future of TV on the internet (not to be confused with TV on the Radio) and trying to decide if there were any shows that were just too damn arc-y to spec... we were pontificating, ruminating, and often spouting complete and utter crap. It was marvelous. Weirdly, not one person asked me what I thought of Dr Horrible's Sing-along Blog (love it, obviously).

In my attempt to talk to everybody (didn't even come close), I also met actors, agents, assistants, insurance adjusters, internists (the medical kind)… all connected with TV in some way or another. And judging by the wide mix of colors, genders, and ages in the room, the diversity initiative people have nothing to worry about with their next generation of writers. We come in all shapes and sizes and from all backgrounds.

And we all have stories to tell.

Strange and foreign places

2008-07-03T16:49:00.011-07:00

Yay! I got a question in my comments section that I now have to answer in a post. Gosh, I feel just like a real blogger now.

Anon said... I noticed that you moved to L.A. from Canada and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind giving me some info on how that went for you? What steps you took, where problems arose, etc.

I bounce back and forth on wanting to move to L.A. and I'm just... curious.

It just so happens that I have moved to a few strange and foreign places in my time. So far I’ve lived in Grande Prairie (ahh, Northern Canada), Vancouver, Victoria, Geneva, Oslo, London, and Los Angeles. LA is not as strange as London, or as foreign as Oslo, but it’s still pretty far out there.

As a Canadian moving here, your big advantage is that you already speak the language, even if you can't quite spell "colour" the right way or say "about" without causing people to crack up. You'll also find yourself wishing you spoke Spanish as a second language instead of French, but mostly you can get along in your Canado-English.

In terms of adjusting to the city, you shouldn't have any more trouble than your average American who comes from Minnesota or Schenectady or wherever. You have to find a house, a job, a car (I know three people here that don't have cars – they are crazy), a boyfriend / girlfriend, and a favorite coffee shop, just like anyone else would.

If you're coming from a relatively small town – relative to LA even Toronto is pretty small – be prepared for the culture shock of living in a huuuge city. I still get goosebumps when I'm at the top of Mullholland Drive looking down over the city at night. It's not crowded like New York or London, but it just goes on and on and on... Also, in LA it's trendy not to put a sign up outside your bar or restaurant, so unless you know already know where the hip places are, you can't find them. Just one of the ways LA rewards people who are in and punishes newbies. Just like any new town, LA can seem pretty unfriendly and scary at times. Unless you know people here already, expect to have an adjustment period when you're mostly miserable. While you're still adjusting, take the time and opportunity to laugh at how crazy Americans go on holidays, like the 4^th of July and Thanksgiving.

Loneliness and misery shouldn't last too long because most people in LA want to meet as many people as they can for networking purposes. It's much easier to meet people here than in Northern Europe, where no one will talk to you unless you're, like, standing on their foot or something. In LA, strangers talk to you wherever you go. Especially if you're female and they're not. If you're into something specific, like Indie Rock, or Ultimate Frisbee, or Stamp Collecting, you'll easily be able to find a gang of people who share your interests. If you're into TV writing, I can hook you up with the coolest kids in town...

A major problem for foreigners coming to the US (aside from the work visa thing, which I discuss in this post: Canadian special-interest edition) is getting a credit rating. They can't just check into your Canadian credit history – that would require computers connected internationally via some kind of crazy, I dunno, net or something. No, I don’t understand why my international credit card company could not issue me an American credit card. Anyhoo, I digress.

Without a credit rating, you have to pay cash deposits to get gas hooked up and get a mobile phone service etc. If you're looking into renting a house, you won't have any references and your credit check won't go through, so that might limit some of the places you can move into. But, if you're looking for, say, shared accommodation on Craig's List, that shouldn't be too much of a problem. Just make sure you account for that extra cash outlay when you're saving for your move.

Finally, like I said (perhaps unwisely) in my Writers On the Verge application, I think everyone should leave home and move to a foreign place, at least for a little while. It’ll give you a broader perspective on the world, which will, ultimately, make you a better writer.

Just like really awesome candy

2008-06-30T13:08:00.011-07:00

I’m, like, 10 days late responding to this tag from Will Dixon (your definitive source for all things Canuck TV-related). I wasn't ignoring you, Will, I just didn't see it.

I mean, how could I resist a what are you listening to tag? Answer: I couldn't. So, here are:

Seven speaker-shaking songs for the summer.

Liam Finn Better to Be

I’m not ashamed to say I’m half in love with Liam Finn, even though I, ahem, remember when he was born, having been a fan of his dad’s (Neil Finn of Crowded House). He’s got daddy’s gift for writing perfect pop songs, but he adds his own punk-rock spirit to the proceedings. Liam's many live shows are The Best I’ve seen this year. And his drumming is outrageously good.

Electrocute Just Like I Am

A perfectly formed pop song with a gorgeous bassline. Ideal for those of us who like our pop with extra sugar. I couldn't find this song online, but you can listen to a bunch of their other stuff.

Just Like I Am from electrocute on Vimeo

Benji Hughes Tight Tee Shirt

Ahhh. This is the song of the summer. Love the lyrics. Love the bassline. Love the Stevie Nicks /Bootylicious-esque guitar. Love the phrase “just like really awesome candy”. Love it!

Listen to it! http://www.myspace.com/benjihughes

Chris T-T We Are the King of England

Chris T-T is a hyphenate: sweetheart-genius. In the interests of full disclosure, he’s one of my best friends. But he’s also one of the most talented songwriters playing music today. This video is so beautiful, except for my embarrassing cameo at the end…

Chris T-T - (We Are) The King Of England from Sargent Records on Vimeo.

Ludacris Girls Gone Wild

The chorus is as dumb and misogynist as they come, but, shit, Luda’s flow in the verses gets me every time. And the production on this track kicks serious ass. The Neptunes at their finest. Plus, it's fun to pump out of my speakers while cruising down Sunset with the windows rolled down. No one expects to see ME driving when they look over…

There’s no real video (This wasn’t a single? What were they thinking?), but here’s one of those weird non-video YouTube things.

The Blow Pile of Gold

The antidote to Ludacris – this song is all girls on top. The Blow’s live show was one of the best I’ve seen this year.

Listen: http://www.krecs.com/html/press/medialisten.php?interest=139

Junkie XL Not Enough

Great pop songwriting + techno/electro production = a very happy me. Oh, and this track features vocals and songwriting from Willoughby and Electrocute. Full circle enough for ya?

Junkie XL – Not Enough

If you've read this far and you have a blog, consider yourself tagged. If you don't have a blog, feel free to comment. I wanna know what's making your ears smile this summer!

Monsters in all the closets

2008-06-27T14:16:00.002-07:00

Between the skunks in the basement, the bees in the tree, the pigeons in the attic, the possum in the trap, and working, buying cars, and being sick, there has been very little writing of any kind.

So I leave you with this for the weekend.

How to write a spec(tacular) pilot: Step two

2008-06-20T18:39:00.006-07:00

It’s been a little while. Sorry. I’ve been wrestling with looking for a job, then interviewing for a job (five interviews for one job)*, then starting the job (I interview well), and trying to buy a car which will take me to said job. Which means less time to blog and less time to write.

It’s only been three days since I wrote anything, and two since I worked out, but I already feel... weird... displaced... yucky.

But, as Emerson Cod would say, that ain't none of your concern. You just want to know:

How to write a spec(tacular) pilot

Step one: Join a writers' group**

Step Two: Have a great idea

Most writers I know are having ideas all over the place. We all have our little portable notebooks filled with scratchings that we made during a dire dinner with the in-laws or while we’re supposed to be finding that perfect bouquet of donuts for our boss's latest conquest.

So I’m gonna go ahead and guess that ideas are not a problem.

But what about great ideas? Ones that will make a great spec pilot? Those can be slightly harder to come by.

Now, I’m no expert on what makes a great pilot. (Then again, neither are the people who decide which pilots get made and which get torched. The whole thing is basically a crapshoot.) But I can suggest a few ways to make your pilot easier to write, while also making it a stronger idea should you win the Let's-make-your-pilot Lottery and suddenly be faced with the need to write 12 more episodes.

1. Create a finite world
Where oh where is your pilot going to be set? Want to use your location to create conflict? Then make it a place your characters can’t escape. They need to be stuck with their annoying neighbors, the mysterious black smoke cloud, or Buddy Garrity. That’s why the housewives are so desperate, and the Lost-ers are so, uh, lost. They can’t leave their finite world (the island won’t let - cue spooky music).

Let’s think about this from a different perspective. The Heroes perspective. That show is all over the map – literally. When things get bad the characters can just fly away or time travel to somewhere less dangerous. What fun is that?

2. Flaw-up your characters
It’s tempting to write a nice story about some nice people doing nice things. I mean, you want to like your characters, right? You want to think they could be your friends. Which is cool. You should want to be friends with your characters.

Just make them the kind of friends that end up getting you arrested, or hitched in Vegas, or on the red-eye to Europe without any luggage. Or all three. Don't make them the kind of friends who encourage you to save for retirement and increase your mortgage payments in order to decrease your… yawn! No one on TV thinks about their mortgage. They’re too busy having sex with their paralyzed best friend’s girlfriend.

3. Find your football
In my writers’ group, we like to say that a pilot needs its football. It’s a Friday Night Lights reference – duh! Your football is not, strictly speaking, what your show is about, but it is the framework upon which your whole show hangs. Call it your Vampires and Demons (Buffy), your Sex (Sex in the City), your Rich vs Poor (The OC), your Murder and Mayhem (every police procedural and Pushing Daisies), your Political Adventures (West Wing), or your Sororities and Frats (Greek). It all amounts to the same thing.

You’ve gotta find your football.

Well, actually, you don’t. But your life will be a whole lot easier if you do. Football will transform your idea from:

Small town boy unhappy in small town

to

Small town boy unhappy in small town when invisible potatoes start to reveal to him the deepest, darkest secrets of the townspeople. In code. Tuber code.

Which one would you rather watch?

10-Second Restaurant Reviews
Porto’s Bakery, 315 North Brand Blvd., Glendale, CA

You’d think Porto's was the only lunch place in Glendale
nay, in Los Angeles
The way the patrons swarm like flies around a particularly
potent compost heap
But the food's not like compost, in that it's not rotting and it
tastes rather yummy
Even if you're sitting on the sidewalk, roasting like an invisible tuber
in 104 degree heat

*I've stolen Josh's method of putting bracketed comments in small text, because I like it. Thanks Josh.

**For writers in LA, you can join a new networking/social group for TV writers and their friends. It's going to be the best group in LA, and I'm not just saying that cuz I started it. When you come to the first networking event, you’ll surely meet others who need some critiquing partners.

Celtx is out of beta

2008-06-10T11:16:00.003-07:00

Celtx 1.0 is here.

As many of you know, I love this little piece of free screenwriting software.

With the new release, they've added lots of features, including a template for scripting comic books. Neat. But most importantly, they finally finally finally got their forced page break to work. Now we TV writers can be happy using Celtx, too.

Hurrah!

+++++++++++++++++

I promise I will get back to regularly scheduled blogging soon. I'm just trying to get my life organized and my Pushing Daisies written before I start a full-time job (contract) on Monday. I'm steeling myself for the huge lifestyle switcheroo. No money, lots of free time will soon be lots of money, no free time. I'm not complaining though. Could be no money, no free time, which is what a lot of my friends get.

Like a London bus

2008-06-05T10:26:00.003-07:00

Don't blog for ages, then three come along all at the same time.

I just wanted to pitch in on this whole Denver alien thing. I was all Scully about it until I saw the below video. It's a super-enhanced version of the original, with sound and everything. I think you'll agree, it is quite compelling.

Not to gloat but...

2008-06-04T19:28:00.003-07:00

I just wrote four acts of Pushing Daisies in two days. I now have a first draft and can move on to my favorite stage. Rewriting!

There's nothing like having a deadline, some free time, and a kick ass outline.

10-Second Restaurant Reviews
El Atacor #11, 2622 N. Figueroa St, Los Angeles, CA 90065

imagine
fluffy mashed potato
folded gently
in a deep fried taco

warm and safe
under a blanket
of salad and sour cream

imagine
10 potato tacos
for 10 bucks
at 2am

it
really could
change your life

It's all about the football

2008-05-28T13:43:00.009-07:00

If you missed the comments on my previous post (because it took me, like, a week to moderate them - oops, sorry), go have a look. Then come back here for more Friday Night Lights talk.

Okay, first, an anecdote. I bought the FNL DVDs as soon as I finished watching the shows online. Yeah, I just wanted to see them again right away (in DVD quality). Also, my big plan was to make my husband watch them, so he would experience the FNL joy. I keep trying to get him to sit down to watch the first episode, and finally, last night he says to me "I don't care about FNL." Granted, he was feeling a bit grumpy from too much weekend partying, but, still, I was hurt. How could he not care about something so wonderful? Oh yeah, cuz he hasn't seen it yet. I will make him love it, I swear.

Anyway, if you haven't yet watched FNL:

a) Why the hell not?

b) Do not read past this point. You'll hate yourself for it. You will.

*FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS SPOILERS BELOW*

Here's a secret for those of you who know and obviously love the show. I don't think FNL is perfect. Nope. There were some little glitches in the second season. And I'm not even talking about the hotly detested Landry murder plotline. That was just a symptom of a larger disease.

You see, for a while there, FNL forgot what it was.

A football procedural.

Which means, when something happens in Dillon, Texas, we want to know how it reflects on the team. If it doesn't cause a ripple in the Panthers' world, then go tell it to someone else, I don't care.

Now, I'm not saying I want to see 46 minutes of football each week. That's obviously not what the show is about.

I want to know when Smash pops a racist c*** in the mouth and gets suspended from games. I want to know when Coach Taylor takes a job at UMT and abandons the Panthers. I want to know when Riggins can't get the girl he wants, causing him to drown his sorrows in beer and miss practice. When Landry murdered that guy, don't you think we should have seen how he sweated it on the field? How he almost quit the team, or couldn't handle the pressure, or blocked the stuffing out of an opponent twice his size all because of the stress he felt? If that had happened, I think we all would have been more accepting of that storyline (maybe?). It would have been even more interesting to see how Landry handled being a benchwarmer, while his best friend was QB1. A small story, but an effective one.

On the other hand, I really don't care that the ex-quarterback is having a baby. He's the ex- quarterback. He's not on the team, he's not a coach, he's not friends with any of the other team members anymore. Sure, a Jason Street spinoff might work. But what does he have to do with football? And why is Mrs Taylor coaching volleyball? And do we really care about Lyla and her new boyfriend (other than in the ways it disturbs Riggins?). Those scenes are a little boring, because, what does it have to do with football? Plus, why does Julie Taylor seem so self-centered and whiny? Because she doesn't give a crap about football. Think about it. What was the best Julie moment? When she QB'd the Powder Puffs. Right? So, let's get back to the football, FNL.

And Coach Taylor? Why are his stories always intriguing, no matter what they're about? Because anything that affects the coach is fair game. He is the heart of the Panthers. He is football.

When you're coming up with your FNL specs, think about this. Do all your stories relate to football in some way? If not, I say, axe them, or figure out the connection, otherwise you might leave your readers wondering why your stories matter.

After all, as much as Friday Night Lights isn't a show about football, it's really all about the football.

OMFG. Best. Show. Ever. Ever.

2008-05-27T17:17:00.012-07:00

My husband went away for a week recently. While he was gone, I fell in love. I haven't told him yet, but my new love is smart, funny, sexy, and I just can't get enough of it. Yes, it.

I fell in love with Friday Night Lights.

When it first aired I thought "A show about football? Nyeh." But writers' group buddies David and Amanda both urged me to watch. And I thank them here and now. I owe them one, really, I do.

Now I'm gonna pay that favor forward. If you haven't seen it, do yourself the biggest damn solid ever and check it out. Every episode is on nbc.com for free, and there's no new TV on the box right now, so you really have no excuse not to.

By 2009 (God, I can't believe we have to wait until 2009!) I hope to have spread the word far and wide enough that FNL's viewing figures have doubled – at least. We owe it to TV to keep this show on the air.

If you trust my taste enough to just go watch, just go watch. If not, keep reading and I will convince you by listing...

A few reasons I crave Friday Night Lights

Coach Taylor
I'm going to do my best not to gush, but gushing is what men like Coach Taylor were made for. Never mind that he's kind of an ideal husband, father, and coach. Never mind that he's eye-poppingly well-played by Kyle Chandler. Never mind that he looks so good in blue (and green, and burgundy, and...).

The thing that really gets me right here about Coach Taylor is how wonderfully true the character is, to himself and his ideals. No matter what madness is happening around him, he's tough, he's steady, he's moral -- but he's not perfect. He gets jealous when he shouldn't get jealous, he loses his temper and knocks people (even students) around now and again, he makes bad decisions, and he says the wrong thing sometimes. But he always makes it right in the end, and that's why I keep on loving him. I know I'm supposed to want to marry Coach Taylor, but really, I'd just love to write for this guy.

Spy-cam
When you watch FNL, everything feels real. It's the opposite of the surreality of an Ugly Betty or a Pushing Daisies (both of which, incidentally, I love, but not nearly as much as I love FNL). Of course, the reality has a lot to do with the writing and the acting and the directing and the filming on location in Texas. But it owes its warmth and truth to the shaky spy-cam shooting. It makes you feel like you're listening in on a conversation you shouldn't be hearing, which, if you have a voyeuristic bone in your body, just makes you want to know more and more.

No super-heroes, spaceships, or mysterious smoke-monsters
Don't get me wrong. I love Lost. And Battlestar. And Bufy. I even liked Heroes there for a while. But not every show needs to be based in some alternate reality where people can store all of the CIA's greatest secrets in their brain. The world doesn't always need to be ending. Lives don't always have to be in jeopardy. Sometimes, it's nice just to watch a show about people, doing their normal people stuff, in their normal people lives, in some small town somewhere in Texas.

Nerds, jocks, and nerd-jocks
Guess what, jocks and cheerleaders are people, too. They're insecure, kinda sweet, and they love their mommas, just like geeks do. These jocks are just like real people, only with more active sex lives. I also adore Landry, FNL's resident geek. He's not some insecure speccy kid with a big brain and a wedgie. Even if no one else knows it, he knows he's really a cool guy and he doesn't give a crap what the 'cool' kids think of him. That's what the geeks who I went to school with were like. That's what I was like. Yay for dispensing with the stupid high-school stereotypes and drawing real, complex characters instead.

Football procedural
I don't like your average procedural. Crime-solving bores me after a while. But I love procedurals based around non-murder things. Like West Wing, a political procedural, or Buffy the Vampire procedural. FNL is a football procedural, pure and simple. Which is what makes it more powerful than, say, My So-Called Life. Instead of just being self-absorbed and kind of annoying (hey, I loved Angela, but she wasn't always that easy to take), everyone on this show either loves or hates football so much that even if they're not literally saving the world each week, that's what it seems like to them.

Snuffy Walden and Explosions in the Sky
A lot of the FNL soundtrack is by an Austin band called Explosions in the Sky. I've never really loved post-rock, but post-rock as atmospheric soundtrack to a brilliant TV show? It just works.

Much of the non-Explosions music is by composer Snuffy Walden. As if it's not cool enough that his name is Snuffy, his credits read like the watch list of my life. West Wing, Studio 60, Thirtysomething, My So-Called Life, Sports Night, Huff, and, okay, about a zillion things I've never seen before (but maybe I should). When I hear the theme music to FNL (which sounds like Explosions but is really Snuffy), my heart pounds, I get chills. Chills, baby.

Okay, so, I could go on for days, but I'll have mercy, and stop. Just stop dithering and go watch the show. You can hold me personally responsible if you don't like it. But you will. So when you do, please tell a whole whack of people about it so it doesn't get replaced by something crap.

Next time on FNL gush-fest... I'll opine about FNL's (minute) failings and reveal my simple recipe for getting it back on track.

How to write a spec(tacular) pilot: step one

2008-05-24T17:33:00.008-07:00

Step one: Join a writers' group (or start your own)

I know, this isn't technically even writing, but it's a key first step. You want your spec to be the best you can possibly make it, right? And you know what's gonna make it better? Other writers. Yep, I don't care how smart you are, other writers will make your writing better.

Two brains are one better than one, and five are four better. Capice?
Other people will catch mistakes, inconsistencies, boring bits, and other bumpy areas in your writing that you yourself might never notice. They're also very good (sometimes annoyingly good) at making you deal with the rough patches that you know are there, but that your brain has convinced you to ignore because it's just too hard to fix them. Plus, it's a wonderful thing to have a little group of friends who are going through the exact same roller-coaster ride that you are. It makes one feel slightly less crazy for choosing TV Writing as a career, instead of, say, Accountancy.

Of course, the catch is, to get the full benefit from a writers' group, you must be wide wide open to hearing and processing other people's ideas about your work. You don't have to agree with everything that is said, but if you just sit there with your arms crossed thinking "these comments aren't very helpful" while people give you their constructive feedback, then you should just give up TV writing right now. It's a collaborative medium. If you don't want to collaborate, be a poet.

Where do I find a writers' group?
A lot of people ask me this. Actually, almost ever writer I've ever spoken to has asked me this.

You can start by searching online for writers' groups. To be honest, I didn't find this very helpful. I could not find a single group dedicated solely to TV writing, and though there is some merit in working with non-TV folk, I really wanted the specific passion and knowledge that goes along with the format.

Since there weren't any existing groups that appealed, I started my own. Where did I find the members? Online. I read people's blogs. The ones I liked, I contacted. All but one of the people I got in touch with were interested in starting a group.

You can also post on forums like the one on TVwriter.com. Or go old-school and put up a notice in your local library or web cafe (which I guess is kind of new-old school). You never know who lives just around the corner.

Even if you can only find a couple of people in your area, they can probably recommend other people, and so on, until you've got a good thing going. You might want to do a little vetting to make sure these people want the same thing out of a group as you do, but once you've found even two other people, get grouping. Our group has had a few personnel adjustments along the way, but everyone involved (past and present) are interesting, thoughtful, and exceptionally bright people who I'm happy to know. TV writers tend to be like that.

What if I live in McNowheresville?
You're so lucky it's 2008 and you can just go online and find other writers from other areas. Email your work and critiques back and forth or use an online tool like Google Docs to exchange your work. Hey, you could even go all high-tech and use something like iChat to video and voice chat with your group.

It might feel scary to reach out to a bunch of strangers, but you're gonna have to do a lot of reaching out between now and the time you eventually get hired in TV, so you might as well start practicing.

Okay, go on, get your group started. I'll wait. Once you're ready, we'll discuss Step Two: The Idea.

Writers Give Back

2008-05-23T18:16:00.002-07:00

Did you all know about this? I didn't.

WRITERS GIVE BACK empowers writers and others in the creative community to use their free time in a constructive way. Many of the members of the WGA (and outside of it) have expressed a desire to donate their time and energy, to "give back,” but don't know where to start.

WRITERS GIVE BACK establishes a permanent network of progressive individuals, philanthropists, advertisers, and charitable organizations

Get your daily Dollhouse fix

2008-05-19T18:28:00.004-07:00

TV.com has a one-minute scene from Dollhouse posted. Not nearly as exciting as Fox's Upfronts trailer, but I still can't wait to see this show.

It will be even cooler when I am staffed on this show. Which will be, like, any minute now, obviously.

Now stop bothering me, I'm supposed to be working on my Pushing Daisies outline. Sheesh.

Scrubs carries on

2008-05-19T09:55:00.008-07:00

I don't know about you, but I was pretty shocked when I saw the Scrubs "series finale". It was bad. Really really bad. Which made me sad, because I used to love Scrubs and have kept watching even though the last couple of seasons have been totally sucky.

So, this article in which Bill Lawrence explains the network's involvement in ruining a great show (which has also earned a LOT of money) makes a pretty interesting read.

It's kinda scary how much power certain execs have over the shows we love. And even scarier to think you could have created one of the biggest earning sitcoms of the decade, and still get no respect from your bosses.

Let's hope the next 18 episodes really do hearken back to earlier days, when Scrubs was good.

How to write a spec pilot in 10 (really hard) steps

2008-05-16T17:56:00.010-07:00

I recently finished writing my first pilot. Yay me!

How do you decide when a script is finished? For working TV writers, that's easy. Once there are no more scenes to shoot, there are no more changes to the script (except in the editing room, where they can do some dazzling story adjustments). For us speccers and wannabes, there's no finished. You might think every word in your script is perfect, but one really good note from someone you trust is enough to send that tumbling. You also might get the urge to change things around after you see new episodes of the show you specced, or after you learn more about the craft.

As tempting as it is to spend eternity making minute adjustments to your scripts, it's good to let them go, kinda like kids. That's why I enter competitions. It's not for the prize money or the glory (God knows there's little of that to go around). It's for that 'this script is done' feeling. It's a pretty arbitrary cut-off, but I like to think that that's my best work I'm sending off, therefore the script must be 'finished'. It also allows me to free my mind to concentrate completely on my next project.

Now that I have such vast experience in spec pilot writing (one=vast, didn't you know?) I am uniquely qualified to write posts on how to write a spec pilot. Okay, maybe not. But I am uniquely qualified to share my personal pain and joy with you, write about the mistakes I made and the things I learned, and hopefully we'll all get something out of it.

Being arbitrary yet again, I've chosen to discuss the process in 10 steps / posts. 10 steps which I have not yet decided upon. But when I do, watch out blog fans. Whew, it's gonna be so exciting!

10-Second Restaurant Reviews [in the Form of Silly Poems]

Elf Cafe

2135 Sunset Blvd, Echo Park (or is it Silver Lake? I never know)

Cramped and cozy

cultivate a fondness for stranger's elbows

Always packed

patience your most precious gift

Best food ever

served by friendly green elves

No meat, no booze

it's all about chow

Who wants to go

right now?

Writing is pain, sweetheart

2008-05-09T16:25:00.000-07:00

Any total newbies out there? Here's something to remember.

Writing is hard.

Through Write Girl, I work with a group of teenagers once a week. This week we tackled rewriting. For the most part, this is something they didn't really grasp, or had never thought about before. Remember in school? You just wrote the first thing that came into your mind and handed it in. If you were naturally good with language, you got an A. Not because your writing was all that good, but it was a damn site better than most of the other kids' stuff. The kids I work with are all pretty gifted. They're at a college prep school and they choose to come to our program. So their first attempts are generally coherent and intriguing.

But they still struggle with the idea of rewriting. Some of them looked at their work and couldn't find anything to improve. Others just hated the whole thing from start to finish. They couldn't find anything they wanted to keep. It's the second group that will probably keep on writing. Why?

Because writing is pain.

My husband is writing a novel. Or, he wants to anyway. My Mom is writing her memoirs. But she just can't get going. They both came to me for advice this week. Both of them had made several false starts, but they just couldn't get past the first few pages.

They both got stuck because the words pouring forth from their fingertips did not sound like the words they'd read in books. Here's what I told them.

1. Ya gotta have an outline

2. You will write a lot of rubbish

3. Make it to the end, no matter how much you hate every word on the page

4. We'll fix it later

As a complete newbie I spent a lot of time writing crap. Rewriting involved getting rid of everything but the ideas, and starting again. Now, when I start a rewrite, I find I don't have to trash nearly as much as I used to. The more you write, the better you write. Fancy that.

But you will always, always, always have to rewrite.

10-Second Restaurant Reviews

This post is just an excuse to introduce my new segment. Recently I've been to a few bad restaurants, and in LA, there's no excuse for it. So here's my first 10-Second Restaurant Review. They won't all be in the form of bad poetry, but this one is, because I can.

Cafe Flore

3818 W Sunset Blvd, Silverlake, LA

Out of ice, out of rye bread

(a reuben on sourdough? I don't think so)

Bone dry black bean burger

The burrito wasn't bad

It wasn't good either.

Zooey Deschanel was eating there

(green salad, bright red dress),

My friends love this place.

I wonder why?

Are you blue, red, or orange?

2008-05-03T15:58:00.003-07:00

Click the picture to take the Bush-McCain Challenge. Funny and scary in equal measures. Scratch that, it's mostly scary.

And down will come baby, cradle and all

2008-05-02T09:20:00.007-07:00

Arrgh.

It happens to everyone at one time or another. But I didn't think it would happen to me in quite this way.

My Bones just aired on Fox last night. Okay, so not my Bones. Not exactly. But they sure had my theme and a lot of my little character moments. It was like someone took my spec, rewrote, and slapped it on the air. Only, obviously that's not what happened at all. In the biz they call it parallel development or some such.

Excerpt from their Bones

Angela picks up a baby whose mother has died in the MOW (murder of the week).

ANGELA
I want, like, a million of these!

HODGINS
Cool.
(thinks)
What do you think she meant by a million? Two?

Okay, so that's their take on the Angela / Hodgins relationship. Here's mine.

Excerpt from my Bones
Angela and Hodge are talking babies and she's feeling her way around the subject of maybe not having any.

Dr. Jack Hodgins
I would love-- love to have children with you. But I'd rather have a life with you than a hundred kids without you.

ANGELA
A hundred is a lot.

Dr. Jack Hodgins
How do you feel about two?

ANGELA
I don't know. Confused? Terrified?

Dr. Jack Hodgins
Tempted?

ANGELA
Maybe. A little.

Seriously?! Who's gonna believe I didn't just nick that wholesale from this week's episode?

The thing is, I don't believe their take on it. Angela is this fiercely independent woman. It took Hodgins months of planning and romancing and cajoling to make her decide to give up her freedom and marry him. This is the same person who wants a million babies? Nu-uh. Then there's Hodgins, this romantic family guy (not like that Family Guy) who wants nothing more than to settle down with Angela in a little bungalow somewhere. And he's reticent about having kids? That just doesn't work for me. I feel like my take on it is actually truer to the characters. Of course, now that it's aired, their take is right and mine is wrong. Oh, those TV people have all the power!

And don't even get me started on all the coochie-cooing that went on in that episode. Or the fact that the baby had nothing to do with the murder. You could have just plucked her right out of there and the murder would have been unchanged. Of course, then there would have been no show, because the investigation was just an afterthought anyway. Plus, what the hell was she doing in the tree? You can't just put a baby in a tree and not explain it...

You got me started. And I clearly said "don't get me started".

So anyway, Hart Hanson, since I know you're reading this (I mean, who isn't?), I don't want to be an assistant on your show anymore. I want to be a baby writer (because obviously I know how to write about babies). Just let me know when you want me to start.

Artery Cloggery
We have these Neapolitan soy ice cream sandwiches in the freezer right now, from Fresh and Easy. I really hate Neapolitan ice cream (especially the strawberry part), but that hasn't stopped me from snarfing a few.

Canadian special-interest edition

2008-05-01T12:00:00.001-07:00

Long silence, I know. I've been in Vancouver. Not on the set of Battlestar Galactica, like the other Jane. No, I've been hanging out at the US Consulate, begging them to let me stay in LA for a few more years. Which was surprisingly painless, if you don't count the six months of paperwork I did beforehand.

The whole sojourn got me thinking about Canadians in Hollywood. Sometimes it seems like half the writers in any given room are Canadian. Every time you hear a joke about Canada on a TV show, I guarantee it was either written by a Canadian or designed to provoke a Canadian in the writer's room.

For example, on this week's House, Dr. House has to treat an unbelievably nice guy. House thinks it's either a symptom of some mysterious disease, or the guy is Canadian. The House room is full of Canadian writers. House's creator, David Shore, is from London, Ontario. Bones was also created by a Canadian, Hart Hanson. There are kazillions of other examples.

So, do I have an advantage, being a Canadian in LA, looking for work as a writer?

Yes. Mmm, possibly. Actually, no.

See, the thing with being a foreigner in the US is that you have to be able to convince the government you should be allowed to stay. Not only that, but it's very handy if you can convince them to let you work, too. Trouble is, they usually only let certain 'professionals' in. If you want a job as a writer's assistant, or PA, or agent's assistant, you're a bit screwed. I mean, what showrunner is going to go to all the extra trouble of sponsoring you for a position when there are 1,000 other qualified actual US citizens lined up to take the job? I'm pretty sure none. Not even Canadian showrunners have enough time to take pity on poor countrymen struggling to make it in the big city.

If you're a Canuck and you wanna fly south, you need to get yourself a visa. Here are a few options.

Available to Canadians and Mexicans, though it's harder to get as a Mexican
Ties you to a certain job and allows you to stay for a year (you can renew almost endlessly)
The job has to be on the big list of jobs (called the NAFTA professional job list). If you're an epidemiologist, forester, economist, or urban planner, come on down. But if you're busy being one of those things, chances are you won't have the time to pursue your dream of becoming a writer.
You get it at the border after an interview with an immigration agent (if you're Canadian). The interview can be as short as five minutes with questions like "How fake is this job offer?". I got asked that one when I came down as a Technical Writer. For murkier jobs, like Management Consultant, the interview can last more than an hour, ending with a rejection based on some technical hitch like, "There's no address on this company's letterhead". My husband got that one. He was allowed to come back a few days later with better letterhead, then they gave him the visa.

H1-B

Ties you to a specific job
Open to lots of different foreign nationals. I know Brits and Canadians who have them.
Rarer than a California ground squirrel without bubonic plague. Seriously, I'd avoid their fleas if I were you.
You need to find a company that is willing to sponsor you. You can change jobs later, but I've heard it's a big headache.

Requires you to start a business and make a significant investment in the business (think more than $60,000)
Lots and lots of paperwork
You'll probably need an immigration lawyer to help you out. More money!
After you get it, you need to spend all your time running your business, and no time worming your way into the wonderful world of television

Stay in Canada

No matter where we went in Vancouver, we ran into actors, casting agents, execs, and other Hollywood types. It's more LA than LA up there. If you can stand the rain, stay in Vancouver and break in there. The industry is smaller, but there are fewer competitors, too. Once you've cut your teeth on some Canadian shows, you can move down to LA and create your own series for Fox.

My husband and I were successful with our E2 application. He's the main shareholder in our business and I'm on the board of directors. Which means we can actually start to earn a living. I can also now apply for another nifty visa which will allow me to work for anyone. So, yay! Now I've just gotta find that plum opening as a writers' assitant. Hey, David Shore, hiya, Hart Hanson. We all know what a toque is. Wanna give me my big break?

Artery Cloggery

The chocolate rugelach from Siegel's Bagels in Vancouver are the best I've ever had. Their rosemary and rock salt bagels also rule the round bread world. Every time we go there, we beg them to open a branch in LA. You should, too.

Chocolate-covered strawberries, people

2008-04-21T17:33:00.004-07:00

Anyone going to see what happens when Matt Groening interviews David Chase at the WGA tomorrow night? There are still tickets. I can only hope it's going to be every bit as entertaining as it sounds. I'm a bit worried about spoilers though, since I'm only half-way through the third season of The Sopranos.

Look for me at the dessert reception. I'll be the one who looks like the person in that picture just over there (but with shorter hair). See you there.

What is a night-life baby, anyways?

2008-04-18T20:39:00.005-07:00

My brain feels like sludge. I just wanna go watch TV. But before I do, here are a few more things I picked up at the WGA (dirty!).

During the pre-game show, Winnie and Robin set forward the concept of willful denial as a useful tool for wannabes. For example:

Powers That Be: "You'll never make it in showbiz, kid." Willfully Denying Writer: "Yes, I will."

PTB: "Your chances of getting a job are almost zero, kid." WDW: "Almost zero? Great!"

PTB: "Your writing sucks ass." WDW: "No, it doesn't."

And so on. The idea being that if you admit to yourself how hard it's gonna be, you'll just give up and go to dental assistant school.

Later, the Rhimes rolled out these gems:

On pitching Tell 'em it's a sad story and they'll think it's a sad story. Tell them it's funny and they'll think it's funny. Ahh, the power of suggestion.

On film school It ain't gonna teach you how to write. It can teach you a whole lot of other things about the business and give you all sorts of contacts, but if you couldn't write when you went in, you're not going to be able to write when you graduate.

On notes No matter how stupid the note (and some of them are pretty damn stupid) you'll find that it's coming from somewhere. There's a reason for it. You just have to figure out what that reason is.

On creating character Figure out 'what's in their lockers'. Or handbags. Or backpacks. Or pockets. Or whatever. Just work out what that character needs with 'em to get through the day.

There you go. That's what I took away from the evening. That, and some cheese and crackers (in my belly).

Artery Cloggery

Might have an orange later. That's all I have room for because I'm all full up of the Fish Taco Sampler Platter from Senor Fish on Eagle Rock Blvd. Yum! You should totally go there. But it closes at 9.30pm, so go early, go often.

I love the night-life baby

2008-04-16T22:11:00.010-07:00

I finally went to my first (and their last) in the Anatomy of a Script series at the Writers Guild. Before I get into what a cool person Shonda Rhimes is (or appears to be) let me briefly rant.

Can someone tell me why these events cost $50? I assume they're meant for struggling WGA members and other struggling writers as a way to meet like-minded people and improve their craft. Guess who doesn't have $50 to fork over for an evening out? Struggling writers. That's who. There should be a struggling writers rate or something. "See how thin and pale I am? Please let me in for a mere $30, oh WG powers that be." Actually, scratch that. A lot of writers aren't that thin - it comes from sitting around on our butts all day, thinking.

Another rant. Why are there always a few people at these things that just don't know how to behave? You know who I'm talking about. Ladies chatting in French throughout and British bloke who, in an almost empty room, came and sat in the chair right next to mine, and then spread his legs all out into my chair space. I thought he was just being friendly, until I said 'Hi' and he merely grunted his reply. I guess if I had known then that he was a Brit, I would have understood that to mean "I want you to bear my children" and not "leave me the f--- alone". Oh man, I hope those people don't read my blog.***

Okay, back to Ms Shonda.

I would guess, from watching her show, that somewhere deep inside, SR is a bundle of neuroses tying themselves in ever-tightening knots. But in person, she was positively cucumberesque. Not Winnie Holzman's constant interruptions, always preceded by "Not to interrupt you but..." (it was cute), nor Robin Schiff's mention of the Isaiah Washington Golden Globes debacle could shake her. I was a little shocked, Shonda was fine.

Here are a few random items from the evening.

The way she deals with, erm, less-than-brilliant notes. Turns out, silence is golden. She keeps mum and lets the note-giver ramble on until it somehow comes out that the reason they want Meredith Grey to get a pet labradoodle* is to make her seem less like a hideous she-devil**. Still kind of an annoying note, but hey, at least there's a reason for it.

She doesn't outline. She writes a show that has nearly 97 main characters, and easily tells 35 story lines an episode, and the woman doesn't outline. There must be a virtual whiteboard in her head. There must be. I still can't quite believe it.

She's a monster rewriter. Like, she rewrites *all* of Derek's speeches cuz "I just know how Derek would say it". In fact, sometimes her writers even leave a blank space and a note "Derek speech here" instead of bothering to write something that's just going to get thrown out. I wonder how she manages that while working on two shows?

Her big break? After writing such monster movie hits as Crossroads and The Princess Diaries 2, she was signed to a TV development deal. Her first pilot got picked up but not made. Her second pilot was Grey's. She had never been in a TV writers' room before she started running her own show. Excuse me? Would that ever happen today? Because if it would, I'm dropping everything and writing a silly family film. Stat.

There were actual words of wisdom imparted last night, but you'll have to come back next time to find out what they were.

*Mentioning labradoodles is a total clam.
**I made that up. I'm a writer. It's what I do.

***By 'those people' I didn't mean Brits. I mean the guy and the French ladies at the thing. I like Brits. I really do. I want them to read my blog. Wot wot?

Artery Cloggery
Do you like chocolate? Ice cream? Waffles? Yes? Then you should now be in your car driving towards the 101 Cafe at dangerously high speeds (hell, we all know there are only like 2 traffic cops in all of LA). When you get there, order the Chocolate Brownie Waffle. Order two. No, on second thought, only order one. It's amazing, but one is more than enough. You should probably share with a friend actually. Wouldn't want to get so fat you miss out on the starving writer discount at the next Writers Guild event.

What!?

2008-04-14T09:37:00.004-07:00

I have two posts kinda ready to go, but this is better.

This came to me via Jane via Defective Yeti (very entertaining) via the comment from Dale.

Hey, I'm supposed to be doing my Canadian taxes, so many links will be followed this morning.

It's called ultimate. How can you not want to play?

2008-04-07T18:15:00.010-07:00

A writer can and will write anywhere. It's not always easy to stop. You can come up with scenes while stuck in traffic, or while having your teeth scraped white by an evil dentist, or during a romantic meal with your sweetheart. It can be a problem.

The only time I can guarantee to be not thinking about writing is while I'm playing Ultimate (Frisbee). The outrageous physical exertion combined with the intellectual elements of the game is all-consuming. There's just no room in my brain for anything else. It works wonders for stress reduction and it means I can eat yummy cupcakes and drink margaritas without having to worry about out-fatting my pants.

Ultimate is also one of the most welcoming sports for absolute beginners. Especially if you're a woman. There's always a shortage of female ultimate players, so fit young men will line up to teach you to play.

If you're a woman (doesn't matter how old or young) and this all sounds kinda fun to you, here's your chance to give it a try.

Women’s Ultimate* Clinic
Sunday April 20, 2008
10 am – 1 pm
On the beach in Santa Monica
(at the end of Ocean Park Blvd)

*Ultimate is a fast-paced, fun, non-contact team field (grass or sand) sport that is played using a disc (sometimes called a frisbee). It’s a great way to get in shape, have fun, and meet cool people.

Even if you have never thrown a disc before you can learn to play. Beginners are especially encouraged to come to the clinic, but experienced players are welcome as well. All ages.

What to wear/bring:
• 2 t-shirts (1 white, 1 dark-colored)
• comfortable athletic clothing
• sun protection (hat, shades, sunblock)
• water bottle

The clinic is free! To sign up or for more information call or email
Nicole Belle Isle at womensleague@laout.org (626) 644-8845. Pre-registration is encouraged but not required.

The following 4 Sundays there will be a women’s league – same time, same place. Registration is $15 online at www.laout.org

Fit young women will be the teachers at this particular event, but, hey, you may be into that, too. I strongly encourage you to check it out.

Artery Cloggery

My parents were just visiting. We ate every conceivable form of bad-for-you food imaginable. Chocolate covered blueberries with wine anyone? They taste as weird as they sound.

Just pick one already

2008-03-29T18:25:00.009-07:00

It's that time again.

No, not Christmas. Not the vernal equinox. Not Loehmann's massive year-end clearance sale (isn't that all the time?).

It's time to decide what to write next.

My pilot is 89% complete. I just threw my first full draft at the mercy of my writers' group, but I've rewritten the first four acts a couple of zillion times in the past few months, so I feel like it's close. Plus, I need a break from it. It's in the 'yeah, whatever' zone at the moment.

My Bones is probably 96% done. But I want The Group to read it, too, since they're all remarkably clever and kindly helpful and will only make it better.

So, what's next?

I've got another, much darker, pilot idea I'm itching to try out. My first pilot is pretty light family fare. I wouldn't mind writing something with swearing in it, you know?

Then again, it's time to think about Disney and Warner. Should I be writing something sparkly and shiny to use in my application? A Pushing Daisies or a Chuck? I like the wordplay in PD and Chuck has lots of opportunities for the action-comedy one-two punch which is always impressive when you get it right.

Then again, with my Bones, Ugly Betty, and my pilot, I have three solid specs. So, is it time to branch away from TV?

I could write a feature, but do I really want to spend the next eight months or so in features-land when it's not really where I want to live? I've also always wanted to write a YA novel. I know I said in my last post that I didn't want to write a novel, but I'm an unreliable narrator. Deal.

Oh, and there's also that idea I had for a possibly very funny spoof/novelty spec. No, I'm not telling you, or you'll want to write it. Get your own ideas. Geez.

I was also thinking of a blovel (if things start getting strange on this blog, you may find I've swerved into the land of fiction), an online comic (note to self: learn to draw), a play (naaa, that's far to esoteric), then there's that album of silly love songs...

Thing is, I want to write all of these. Do I really have to pick just one?

Artery Cloggery

The Write Girl monthly workshop, with a focus on screenwriting, was last weekend. There were about a dozen super-cool actors who performed scenes the girls had written. But this is about sweet stuff. All the volunteers brought dessert. Check out these pretty cupcakes someone made.

Putting the resumé on a diet

2008-03-25T09:27:00.006-07:00

In my last post, which was total downer (sorry about that!), I wrote:

It's easy to be frustrated that there's no one who'll just read your damn resumé and a sample script already. Wouldn't that be nice?

The very next day, a very good friend* sent me word of a rather rare position being faintly advertised. All of a sudden, I could just send my damn resumé with the vague hope of it not being immediately deleted, cast aside, or spat upon.

This business continues to surprise me.

Of course, having to send off my resumé for what amounts to an assistant position opened a whole new can of beetles. (If worms can come in cans, why can't beetles? They're black and crunchy and fun. Not like worms at all.)

It took me about three hours to successfully un-pad my resumé** (which I'm going to call a CV from now on, so live with it). Not that my CV was padded before. All the experience on there was legit. But it was not the kind of CV that screamed "I'm perfect for your assistant role!" It was more like, "I'm perfect for your Senior Information Architect or Web Producer role", with a side of "I'm also excellent if you need some great copy written".

So I cleaned out the whole dang thing, de-emphasizing experience in such things as creating Interactive TV applications, and emphasizing my ability to type. Really fast. I also added in a TV Writing Accomplishments section, in which I listed my one competition almost-win and the specs I've written thus far. I don't know if they'll care, but it seemed like a good idea. It shows that I'm not just a dreamer, that I'm actually working toward my goal.

It's unlikely I'll ever hear anything back from them. I mean, hey, I'd hire me, but they probably have 1,000 emails in their inbox right now. Still, for some reason, just being in the running for a decent starter job has me feeling 100 times better.

*Yep, it's still all about who you know.

**Do you Americans use the accent aigu in that word, or do you just hope people are smart enough not to think you're sending them your 'start again after a pause or interruption'?

Artery cloggery

Does hot honey-lemon-ginger homemade tea count? That's about all I've been consuming, since this miserable cold refuses to die.

You never know what might happen on the third day

2008-03-23T13:45:00.010-07:00

It's easy to get down about Hollywood. It's easy to be frustrated that there's no one who'll just read your damn resumé and a sample script already. Wouldn't that be nice? It's easy to think that nearly impossible is the same thing as impossible.

Especially when you read things like Jane E's post on the three-track approach, or Amanda's post on (not) getting an agent. Um, sorry, but I don't really want to become a cop or write a novel. I want to write TV.

It's easy to feel discouraged when you have bruised ribs and a bad cold and you start having fevered dreams about meeting Joss Whedon who knows your name but doesn't like your attitude.

It's hard to remember that NOT GIVING UP is half the battle. At least.

Three great specs and a crapload of tenacity. That's all you need. So hang in there. You never know what might happen on the third day.

Artery cloggery

Well, it's Easter, so you'd think I'd be into the Easter Cream Eggs. To be honest though, the creamy center kind of creeps me out. What do they have to put in there to keep it all gooey? I'd rather not find out. And I'd rather not eat it, too.

"This thing is just like that thing!" she cried

2008-03-10T17:15:00.010-07:00

What's in the picture below? You get one guess. Go.

Wrong! It looks like The Board, doesn't it?

But it's not. Keen Information Architects in the audience will have noticed that this also looks very much like a Card Sort, because that's exactly what it is.

I don't mention it very often, but when I'm not writing for pleasure or untold riches, I am an Information Architect. I was working on this card sort a few weeks ago and noticed that it looked a lot like I was breaking a story. I was even sitting on the floor and everything.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that IA and TV Writing are practically the same job. This is how you get a website off the ground:

Decide why you (or your client) want to build a website. [That's theme, kids.]
Work out what pages, features, and functions your website will absolutely need in order to accomplish your client's goals. [Those are your major beats.]
Brainstorm all the little nice-to-haves. The things that will make your website exceptional. [Those are the rest of your beats.]
Card sort. It helps you decide how to organize all of those wonderful features. You want to give your users exactly what they're looking for up front and then entice them to stick around for other unexpected pleasures. Sound familiar?
Put all those ideas down on paper in the form of a site map. [That's the outline, I hear you cry!*]
Finally, you tackle the unending process of adding and arranging details on every page. These details make the difference between a disaster (which users will stick with for approximately 7.6 seconds), and an enjoyable, informative, and exciting web environment (which users will want to return to again and again and again). You will never be finished this step until your deadline says you are.

After the IA job is done, you turn over your documents to whomever hired you. You'll probably get notes. Lots of notes. If you have an employer like the one I'm working for at the moment, most of the notes will be brilliant. If you have a typical employer, most of the notes won't make any sense or they'll be downright stupid. You still have to be nice. Diplomacy is the key if you ever want to get hired again. You also have to keep the nonsensical notes from killing your site. If users don't like the site, you'll get the blame, not the guy who gave you the silly notes.

After notes and revisions, the documents get copied to a whole team of designers, producers, coders, and executives who can do with them what they will. If you're lucky, you'll have some say in the development process. If not, you just hold your breath and hope for the best.

Now, here's your homework. Think about your own day job for a few minutes. How is it helping you become a better writer? Are you a waitress or a barista? Then you get to listen to people talk all day long. Your dialogue should kick butt. Are you an accountant? Then you know how the tiniest detail can change the outcome of the whole. Your stories won't have any plotholes and you'll have no trouble spotting typos. Dog walker? What better time to dream up fantastic characters and plots? Construction worker? You won't be tempted to hang the paintings before you've built a solid foundation.

Once you have your little list, keep it in your wallet or stick it to your forehead. When your job is driving you nuts, pull out the list (or look in the mirror) and remember all the ways that job is preparing you for the writer's life.

Artery Cloggery
Told ya my health-food kick would be short-lived. We went to Auntie Em's on Eagle Rock Boulevard for breakfast yesterday. We left with a box of 13 cupcakes. I don't even like cakey sweet things, but man, I am a sucker for these little two-bite sugar highs. Try a Red Velvet. Then run away before you decide to bring a baker's dozen home with you.

*I was just reading a scene in Emma in which everyone was crying. Not in the teary sense, but like: "I'll have coffee," cried Mr Knightley. "Coffee! You can't have coffee," cried Mr Woodhouse. "I'm sure it is not good for you." "Oh, Papa," cried Emma, "Of course Mr Knightley shall have coffee if he wants it!" Hilariously overwrought.

Greasy elbows and a ground-up nose

2008-03-05T18:11:00.008-08:00

I'm applying myself, I'm buckling to, I'm taking the bull by the horns, putting my shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone, and elbows to the grease. I'm knuckling down.

I'm ignoring the call of the troubadouristic lifestyle (for now) and getting on with my pilot.

(Oh no! As I write, yet another musician has walked through the door. He's talking about mixing his latest album and their upcoming tour. Ahhh, nooo. Do not tempt me, Mr. Musician, with your dissolute ways.)

Things accomplished since last blog:
Plots conceived and added to script: 1
New scenes: 7
Silly love songs written (lyrics only): 4

So I'm not yet fully able to ignore all distractions. But I'm working on it. Where's the sage advice, everyone? Clearly I could use some.

Artery cloggery

Still on the health kick. Won't last long though, since our next house guest arrives tomorrow and there will be trips to Yum Yum to come.

Distractions

2008-03-03T09:33:00.004-08:00

I've been hanging around with musicians too much lately. The problem is, that instead of making me want to sit down and fix my pilot (some members of my extremely demanding writers' group insist that I include a plot!), musicians make me want to:

a) Sit down and write an album full of 3-minute pop masterpieces in the style of The Magnetic Fields.
b) Grab a few fellow musicians and run away on tour, forgetting all about the responsibilities that bind me to home.

This kind of thing can only be a detriment to my writing, not to mention my sanity. My logical mind realizes this. Still, I wrote the lyrics for the first track this morning and that's only the beginning.

I am infamous (in my own head) for getting distracted mid-stream. When I was a kid, I played trombone. Yeah, I was good. I rocked that frickin' thing. But, instead of working harder to become the best trombonist that ever lived, I decided to learn the French horn, the tuba, the baritone, and the trumpet. So now I can play them all to a fairly good level, but I wouldn't say I excel at any of them. Work has been the same way. After three or four months, any job just seems to repeat itself indefinitely -- yawn. When I lived in Vancouver, I had seven different apartments in three years, and then I moved to Victoria, London, LA...

All very amusing, since among my various groups of friends, I'm always known as The Responsible One.

The thing about writing is, it's been pretty constant in my ever-changing life. I've always done it and I hope I always will. Writing lets me, at least vicariously, be an expert in so many fields, become a different person every day (or every scene), and keeps me entertained and engaged. The fact that none of it is real -- I'm not sure that really matters.

But the question is, how do we, as writers, keep from being distracted? Writers are, by nature, interested in people and the world and all it has to offer. How do you stick with this one thing, despite the thousands of other opportunities opening up around you?

Artery Cloggery
Running around with rock bands is also very bad for one's arterial health. Now that the musicians are gone, so are the fatty foods. Which is fine by me. I actually prefer lightly grilled veggies and tofu anyway. But I do miss the musicians!

Write Girl in Sierra Madre

2008-02-28T10:18:00.005-08:00

There's a very exciting event you could attend if you're in the Sierra Madre area the evening of March 3. It'll be full of inspired reading of inspired writing by teen girls who have been a part of Write Girl and are published in Write Girl's latest anthology "Lines of Velocity". Oh, and I will probably be there, so come have a chat!

Decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse

2008-02-26T14:13:00.006-08:00

Isn't it wonderful when something reminds you of something which reminds you of something else and soon you are exploring something you loved so long ago you can barely remember it? Yet, you see it again, and POW, it's more lovely and mesmerizing and charged with meaning than you ever could have understood when you were 19.

I just re-read The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock for the first time in, well, a long time. Astonishing.

"I grow old . . .I grow old . . .
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me."

At times, leaving your own scripts fallow for a few months can create a similar experience -- except, you know, they're never going to read as well as Eliot. Still, it's a great way to remind yourself why you write, and that you can write, after all.

Artery Cloggery
Denny's chocolate milkshakes are another pleasure (though perhaps not quite so high a pleasure as T.S. Eliot) I recently rediscovered after years of their inconspicuous absence from my life. Now that you can't smoke in Denny's and they have a Boca burger on the menu, it's really not that bad. Plus, they still have Moons over My Hammy, which I have never eaten, because meat -- but I do so love the name. Still, Denny's ain't no 101, so it's quite likely I'll wait another decade before visiting it again.

Night time is the right time

2008-02-22T18:03:00.010-08:00

I don't write after dark. Period. And I always write at home. It's just how I do.

Except this week, thanks to a chat I had one of the brilliant members of my brilliant writers group (and in case that sentence makes it sound like I was chatting to one of the brilliant members, instead of one of the cretinous members, let me state here that they are all brilliant, and I am blessed to be amongst them), I decided to kick myself into high gear, act like a real writer, and go sit in a coffee shop with my laptop. At night.

Hooray and thank you, brilliant writers' group member.

As soon as I stepped into Swork on Monday evening it all came flooding back to me. I love coffee shops. I love writing in them. I love surrounding myself with people all quietly working on meaningful projects. Scripts, essays, physics homework, masterplans to rule the world – they were all being quietly hatched as I stared into space, thinking up clever ways for my characters to say clever things.

I love the writing I did that night. So on Wednesday I hit GroundWork on Sunset and last night it was Zeli Coffee Bar in Pasadena. (Notice how I carefully avoided any multifarious international conglomerates in favor of organic, fair-trade, independent kind of places?).

Right. So the moral of this tale for those of us who write (and if you don't, why are you reading my blog, Crazy Person?):

Change your routine. Get out of your rut. Do something you wouldn't normally do. It's good for your writing and it's good for your soul.

Profound.

Artery Cloggery

Who needs sweet edible treats when you have Liam Finn? Seriously.

You really need to hear his music. Like, right now. Which you can, thanks to MySpace. This is his page. Go. Listen. Go. Now. You'll thank me.

Ferocious sleeping badgers

2008-02-17T22:01:00.003-08:00

Sometimes I miss commercials.

Artery Cloggery
Chocolate fondue. Heat 1/3 cup heavy whipping cream. Break up two 4oz Ghirardelli or Valrhona bittersweet chocolate bars. Wait 4 minutes. Whisk.

Chocolaty nirvana. With pretzels.

I don't like Mondays

2008-02-11T09:23:00.000-08:00

Show runners, writers, assistants, production crews, Hollywood – congratulations. You get to go back to work.

Thank you for all you've done for me (and all those other future WGA members out there) over the last three months.

Now drink up that fourth cup of coffee. You're gonna need it!

Voice-over, what is it good for?

2008-02-09T18:22:00.000-08:00

Pushing Daisies. Gossip Girl. Dexter. The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Veronica Mars. My So-Called Life. Grey's Anatomy. Arrested Development. Scrubs. Desperate Housewives... and so on ad infinitum.

Everyone always says "Never ever ever ever put voice-over in your spec pilots." So why do so many dang shows end up on TV with some form of VO or narrator all over them?

The obvious answer is because it's easier. Right? I mean, what better way to reveal those little plots twists, provide backstory, and turn those emotions up to 11 than by using voice-over? And how much easier it is to make something funny if you can shine a little VO flashlight on the joke. Or even give lots of jokes to the narrator, a la Arrested Development.

In some cases, it really does work. Imagine Arrested Development without Ron Howard. C'mon! How 'bout Pushing Daisies without "The facts were these". We'd be subjected to line after line of laying pipe. Veronica Mars without Veronica's clever insights? Probably not as strong. Desperate Ho-wives without Mary-Alice. I don't watch that show, so you tell me.

Thing is, it's so easy to get VO terribly, terribly wrong.

The Sarah Connor Chronicles, I'm looking at you. Can anyone ever remember Sarah's pseudo-existential ramblings from one episode to the next? Do they help tell the story, add a layer of characterization, entertain us? Anything? No. They do not. If they never wrote another VO for that show, no one would even notice. Except those of us that would be going, "Thank you Josh".

Same goes for Grey's Anatomy. I don't care what Meredith thinks "The thing about surgeons" is this week. Really. The only time I liked the Grey's VO is when they gave it to Dr. Bailey.

What about Gossip Girl? How can a character we never even see be so annoying and so unnecessary? I love Kristen Bell, but we don't need her in GG-land. How can you call a show Gossip Girl when you really don't need the gossip girl? It wouldn't make any difference to the characters' lives if she never wrote another gossip column.

They should change the name to Spoiled Rich White Kids with Inconsequential Problems. We don't need some bratty blog to get off on that.

Artery Cloggery
Burgers from Orean's on North Lake street in Pasadena. Totally vegetarian, totally yummy.

I didn't have fries or a shake, but I wish I had.

An organized mind is a happy mind

2008-01-31T16:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life just sort of squashes down on top of you and you're left lying there, all splayed out on the floor, a bit flatter than normal, contemplating the sheer weight of THINGS YOU HAVE TO DO.

Wash the dishes! Get the car tuned up! Go to your after-work sports team event! Write Act Three! Make a project plan for your new boss! Floss your teeth. Watch Eli Stone! Go to the store! Throw out the limp and rotting lettuce in the fridge. Get rid of the unintentionally blue cheese while you're in there. Back up your hard drive. Organize iTunes. Update your iPod. Delete the 75 episodes of Family Guy on your TiVo. (Isn't technology supposed to make life easier?)

So, you're lying there, resembling a pancake, or perhaps a crépe if you've got a really lot of things weighing you down. Then you think of one more thing you need to do.

Get organized.

Phew. That's the hardest one of all. I've been putting it off for months, but I plan to make a start first thing next week. And this time I mean it.

I'm going to make lists. And maybe even a schedule. I'm going to set aside actual time to organize my accounts for tax purposes. I'm going to sort out the cupboard, which seems to be spawning dried fruit, nuts, and various grains. Perhaps my cupboard is self-filling storage space and I never knew it. Limitless food. Like on Star Trek.

Hmmm, computer, I'd like a Black Eye shake from the 101 Coffee Shop please. (Apologies to people who can actually quote TNG properly. I haven't watched it for like 10 years.)

Now observe carefully, dear audience, as I magically tie all this into writing.

If you ever find that, inexplicably, you can't write. Or worse, you just don't feel like writing, then sit down and get organized. Push all that weight off your body and out of your brain. Seriously, it'll free up at least a gig of brain RAM so you can create.

Artery Cloggery
Ever eaten at the Elf Café on Sunset? No, I don't think you have. It's in Echo Park. You'd never notice it if you didn't know it was there. It's vegetarian. The best vegetarian food I have ever eaten. That's why I know it can't be good for you. But man, it's good!

So that's why pilot season is so spotty

2008-01-23T11:36:00.001-08:00

Hey kids, guess what? Writing a pilot is harder than writing a spec of an existing show.

Yes, I hear a chorus of "No duh's" out there. [No duh is a product of fear.]

But for those of you who've never written a pilot before, it's a lot harder than even the people who say it's a lot harder would have you believe.

I was feeling like my outline – which I wrote and rewrote and rewrote with input from the smartest people I've ever had input from before – was pretty solid. Nicely plotted with room for creativity and change as required. So I figured "Hey, I'll bang out my first draft in less than a week, like I've done with my other spec scripts."

[Insert sound of screeching tires post-slamming-on-the-brakes here. Or that sound they use on ANTM of, like, a needle being scraped across a record.]

I started to write, but as soon as I got to the dialogue, I realized there are no little actors' voices in my head, delivering the lines as I write them. There's no internalized show rhythm, defining how long the scenes should be. No produced scripts telling me what style the action lines should take. No audience familiarity with the characters to replace carefully worded descriptions.

All of a sudden, zillions of new decisions must be made. And they must be made by me! Yikes!

Artery Cloggery

I'm dying for a Black Eye Shake from The 101. Which is why I better find time to go to the gym today.

I admit it, I could be wrong

2008-01-21T12:07:00.000-08:00

For a very different opinion on the DGA Deal than the one I gave just a few short days ago, you can see what John Wells has to say via Craig Mazin's site.

Of course, it's up to you to decide whose opinion is worth more.

1. The guy who invented ER, took over The West Wing from Aaron Sorkin (will not rant about that here), used to work as a proper rock'n'roll roadie (really?), was formerly some kind of big wig in the WGA, and has won more Emmys than could fit in a hockey bag...

OR

2. A person who has three spec scripts and the seed of a TV pilot under her belt and really didn't know anything about the WGA, residuals, EST, or anything Union-related before the strike started a few months ago.

It's up to you.

I admit, I've not parsed the fine print of the DGA deal (and have no plans to do so) and my take on it is more visceral than intellectual, but I'm still sticking with my initial stinky old cheese reaction.

NBC Burbank today

2008-01-21T08:22:00.000-08:00

Not enough time for a real post – the script pages for my magnificent writers' group are due this Wednesday and they are in no shape for human eyes just yet – but I just wanted to alert anyone who might have missed it that there's a mass writers and fans strike day today, brought to us by fans4writers:

NBC BURBANK
Monday, Jan 21, 2:30pm-5:30pm
3000 W Alameda Ave
Burbank, CA
Meeting Point: Check-in table is located on Bob Hope Dr. (Johnny Carson park)
Parking Option: Street parking on Bob Hope and Riverside

I plan to be there, so look for me. I'll be the one with the red t-shirt!

Artery Cloggery
Mmmm, home-made brownies brought yesterday by a teammate to Lei-out, a ridiculously fun, impossibly beautiful Beach Ultimate (Frisbee) tournament in Santa Monica. Pam from the office might hate it, but I adore tossing a disc around. Still wouldn't date Andy though!

This is why I never want to be a director

2008-01-18T09:50:00.000-08:00

The DGA deal is done and the reaction around town seems to be set on Cautiously Optimistic.

My personal reaction? Hideously depressing.

The headlines are all reading like the DGA has gotten a super fantabulous deal, citing 80% increases on this and 50% increases on that. Well, guess what? An 80% increase on 0.3% is still a crappy crappy deal. Not to mention that those headlines don't take into account caveats such as "We get to not pay you anything for the first 17 days that we stream a show on which you poured out your heart and soul." Uh, dudes, when do you think people want to watch new TV? Right after it comes out, or, like, 18 days later? I'm not a lawyer, a WGA member, or a greedy corporate whore, but the whole internet residual end of this DGA deal smells like ripe old cheese to me.

Plus, I'm so damn exhausted by the language that the news media uses in this strike. In The Daily News today (I know, it's a rag, but they won't stop delivering it to my house, even though I've asked them nicely – with pleases and thank yous just like my Mom taught me)... ahem. Anyway, in The Daily News today they say this:

Hollywood directors reached a tentative contract deal Thursday with studios, a development that could turn up the pressure on striking writers to settle their two-month-old walkout that has idled production on dozens of TV shows.

Like there was no pressure before now to try and settle the strike. Like the writers have just been sitting around enjoying a happy fun fun holiday at the expense of all the below-the-liners in Hollywood.

Um, hello, but how are the WGA supposed to end the strike when the AMPTP refuses to even discuss a contract? I suppose if the WGA leaders were to go to the AMPTP leaders and offer up their first-born children, sign a blood oath, and agree to scrub Nick Counter's Italian marble floors twice a week using only their own personal toothbrushes dipped in Anthrax-laced floor cleaner, they just might be able to end the strike. C'mon folks, and I say this in capital letters just to relieve some of my bottled up anger --

THE BLOODY STRIKE IS NOT THE BLOODY WGA'S BLOODY FAULT.

This is good vs evil, this is St. George and the Dragon, this is James and the Giant Peach. Uh, no, perhaps not that last one.

The multi-billion dollar companies who own the studios are not going to go broke by giving the writers 1% of anything. Hell, they could give the writers 1% of everything and it would still be like you or me losing 20 bucks on the way to the cinema. But they won't. Why? Because they have the money and therefore they have the power and they can do whatever the hell they like.

If the WGA folds now, on highly unfavorable terms, then the last two months might as well have never happened. But they did happen and it has hurt a hell of a lot of people. So shouldn't it all have been for something?

The game that improves your dialogue

2008-01-07T16:32:00.000-08:00

On New Year's Day, which was, I realize, like a million years ago now, we went over to a friend's house. The party didn't really get started until we played a game called Catch Phrase. Before we began, my friend was excessively excited about it. Everyone else was calmly eating bagels and lox and getting over their New Year's Eve hangovers, but my friend just wanted to start the game. Now!

I didn't really get how anyone could be that excited over a board game. Until I played it, that is.

If you've never played, here's a quick rundown. There's a little wheel thing, and when you hit the doohickey on the side, it reveals a word or phrase in a little window. You then have to give hints to your teammates until they guess what the word is. Once they've guessed, you quickly pass the little wheel on to your opponents. The team not holding the wheel when the timer runs out gets a point. The excitement is all in the timer. It beeps faster and faster as it approaches the end and your heart beats faster and faster right along with it.

It's pretty much a flawless game.

But here's the really interesting thing – if you're a dorky writer type like me. If you get a chance to play (and I strongly suggest you do), listen carefully to the way that each person gives their clues.

One person I played with would always, unconsciously, format her clues like this:

"I like to put this in my coffee." or "I like to park my car here." or "I like it when this falls from the sky."

When I gave clues, I would almost always provide a setting first and then get specific.

"On a farm, you use this to plow your fields." "To climb up on the roof, you use this thing, it has rungs."

Another friend would reference a movie or a song in his clues. Yet another guy would almost always think for a second and then say one concise sentence that would leave no doubt as to the word.

This phenomenon was amazingly consistent. Once we each established a technique that worked with our individual ways of speaking and our unique frames of reference, we rarely abandoned it.

And when you think about it, each type of clue-giving tells you a huge amount about each of my friend's characters. Right?

Think about it. You could decide what type of people these are, just from the above.

Oooh, the power of words. I love it.

Artery Cloggers
I woke up early New Year's Day with the thought of fresh banana bread in my head, so I made some for the party. With chocolate chips and walnuts. My only regret is that the anxiety and stress caused by playing such an intense game (yes, there was sweat and sore muscles afterwards, just like real exercise) left me with little appetite, so I only had a tiny slice. Guess I'll have to go make some more. Right now. Instead of working on my pilot outline. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!

A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound

2008-01-01T11:52:00.000-08:00

Yep, it's January 1st, the day when, traditionally, people the world over start hyperventilating when they think of their bank account. Me too. I'm gasping for breath.

Money is something that never gets discussed in all those "How to become the world's best TV writer" books. They tell you to spend all of your time writing, thinking about writing, or watching other people's writing - I realize that doesn't sound right, but a lot of times for me that's what watching TV is, watching how other people write.

Anyway, they never say how to get by while you're waiting for your big break. And since that wait could be years, struggling TV writers (and struggling writers in every genre) need an alternative means of making a buck.

Many of my writing friends have standard 9 to 5ers (or 7 to 9ers for my friends who have industry jobs). This leaves them approximately 3.25 hours a week in which to write. Not ideal. A few people I know, including me, have decided to scrape by on savings while dedicating themselves to learning their craft. For a lot of people, this still somehow results in about 3.25 hours of writing per week. They do have a lot of time for mountain biking, surfing, eating, sleeping, grocery shopping and all that other stuff, though.

On the whole, I'm pretty disciplined about my writing. I've been a freelance writer for years, so I know how to get down to work with a minimum of internet surfing beforehand. And I have a ticking clock.

My year of living freely is over now and I need to stop sucking the life out of my savings and start earning.

This year, I need to seriously start making money again. Sigh.

I wish that meant jumping into a job as a staff writer. But it probably means taking on some temp gig where people half my age disrespect me while I do ten times the work they do. Sorry, just flashed back to my first-ever temp receptionist job in London. Yikes. I don't wanna go back there.

Erm, so my point is, uh... money, it's a pain in the butt.

Happy New Year!

Artery Cloggers
I can't believe I haven't yet raved about Beard Papa's Fresh 'n Natural Cream Puffs. If you believe the tale on their website, Beard Papa's originated in a tiny bakery in Osaka, but it really doesn't matter where they come from, because they are – and this is fact, not opinion – the best dessert ever. If there was an official dessert of heaven, this would be it. If you could eat a cloud, this is how it would taste.

First-timer's tip - get the plain Papa with the plain filling. After you've had it a few times, and only then, you have my permission to go wild with eclairs, chocolate filling, fondant, and more. Nice!

You're still glowing, you're still crowing, you're still going strong

2007-12-18T16:10:00.000-08:00

Some TV conventions are OK by me. Like, if a person doesn't say "Bye" when they hang up the phone. Or if Jack Bauer doesn't go to the bathroom for a full 24 hours. I mean, we don't really want to see that anyway, do we? Actually, I don't watch 24, so he might be in and out of the bog six times an episode for all I know. But I doubt it.

Anyway, I'm here to talk about a convention that is, in my humble opinion, completely unacceptable.

It just kills me when, say, a couple of characters go into a restaurant and sit down for lunch. A few minutes later, after they have their big emotional moment or whatever, or find out that juicy piece of info that's going to propel the story forward, they get up and leave. But wait! They didn't have lunch. They didn't even order water or anything. Arggh.

I watched High School Musical the other night and those kids have the shortest home room period ever. Seriously. It's in and out in under 30 seconds. That could just be how their East High principal likes it, I guess. But probably not. Oh and sex scenes are the worst. Great Sex in 12 Seconds. That could be a best seller if it wasn't so impossible. Unless it's a guy losing his virginity, 12-second sex is not going to happen. Especially when the woman has a huge satisfied look on her face, like "Man. That was the best 12 seconds I ever spent with a guy. Really." Dudes, either she's faking or there's some seriously sloppy writing going on!

Please, for my sanity, don't do it. Don't shortchange your scenes. Don't cheat your timelines. You're better than that. Seriously.

This is so so basic, why does it end up on TV so dang often? I hope it's usually a directorial decision, made in the heat of the shoot, to add action to a scene or whatever. Writers, make sure your script includes its own activity, so some actors or directors or that ilk don't have to think up their own lame-ass ideas while 50 crew members stand around getting paid overtime.

Aside from watching lots of HBO shows on DVD, I've been working on my pilot. I have an outline done and it's going out to my brand new writers' group for critiquing tomorrow. It's a weird feeling knowing that people who actually know what they're talking about will be looking at my writing. Kinda scary, kinda cool.

Things That Are Clogging My Arteries
At Christmas-time the list is endless. Mostly lots of eggnog and chips and raspberry chocolate rum cake from my neighbor, Trader Joe's Vegan chocolate chip cookies... and I'd be drinking Ghirardelli's Hot Chocolate non-stop if I could find somewhere to buy it. I swear they used to have it at Von's, but not anymore. Number one on my artery clogging list is Hello Dollies. It's pretty much the only thing my Mom ever bakes on a regular basis (once at year at Christmas). And now it's the only thing I bake, too.

Pencils (turned) down

2007-12-11T13:52:00.000-08:00

My next blog was going to be on the power of TV – how it shapes our lives, gets us through rough spots, and means so much to so many.

But that idea has been usurped by this pretty pictorial presenting the Power of Pencils.
Half a million pencils doesn't look like that many when they're all just sitting in boxes on the sidewalk, but when you get in the line of people who are lifting each box from sidewalk to truck, all of a sudden you realize that a half million is a really really lot of pencils.

Joss Whedon jumped in line beside me, and though I totally hero-worship him, I was cool. We had a nice little chat - mostly about how best to lift a box of pencils without destroying your back. We tried to come up with less weighty campaign ideas for the future. In response to my Cotton Balls for Media Moguls idea, Joss suggested Meringues for Moguls, which I thought was a good use of alliteration and sugar.

I'm sure if we'd been delivering egg white cookies, the moguls would have accepted them gladly. Sadly, the pencils were unceremoniously rejected. I mean, they're writing implements, so I can see why the moguls wouldn't have any use for them.

Ron Moore, Jane Espenson, Danny Strong and quite a few fans came out to see the pencils not be delivered. There were also about a zillion camera crews and I guess that's really the point.

I had a very interesting morning marching up and down outside Disney (Alameda Gate). Two women from the WGA board came by to gauge morale on the line, and gather suggestions and comments.It's the first time I've heard anyone really talk about how they're feeling about the strike. While no one's resolve is waning, people are thinking ahead to January, trying to come up with some plans to keep the morale high
and the picketing attendance high. There were lots of interesting ideas being thrown around and I have high hopes that the writers can stick to it as long as it take to get the AMPTP to be reasonable.

A few writers were making plans to look for part time jobs to support their families come January. Double half-fat mochalattechino anyone?

There were still plenty of honks of support. Even a fire truck, sirens blaring as it raced to save the day, honked its horn in support as it flew by. There were a couple of grinchy types, complaining because they had no jobs and no money for Christmas. That is sad. Really, I feel for anyone who can't earn a living for whatever reason. Which is why I didn't tell that one total ass that maybe if tried to be a little nicer someone might want to hire him.

No boys allowed

2007-12-05T15:29:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, I volunteer for Write Girl. I'm fairly new to it, but it seems like an excellent organization, so if you've ever thought you should be a little less self-involved and give something back to the community, now is the time. Here's a message from Write Girl:

WriteGirl, a creative writing and mentoring organization for teen girls, is seeking volunteers for our new season to help with everything from event planning to public relations to mentoring and more. With more than 30 events annually, and a membership of more than 200, joining WriteGirl means joining a dynamic community of women and girls. In addition to women writers, we welcome professionals in all fields to contribute talent and time to this vital program for girls. Deadline to apply is January 8th. Please visit our website for an application and more information:
www.writegirl.org

Go on. You'll be glad you did.

Things that are clogging my arteries
In Canada, we have this thing called Cheezies. They're like crunchy Cheetos, but a little less radioactive-looking. Whenever Canadians visit us, they brings us bags and bags of them. They're yummy. They're orange. And they're clogging my arteries.

I want my BSG

2007-12-04T10:03:00.001-08:00

Oi, AMPTP, get off your (shiny porcelain) thrones and make the writers a decent offer. This kind of ripped TV goodness should not be delayed under any circumstances.

Do you hear me?
You can win a towel very like the one pictured here (life-sized Jamie not included). Find out more from Ron Moore.

Why waste time being all creative and stuff?

2007-12-01T17:31:00.001-08:00

Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but I worked on a reality TV show once. It was way back in the day when the only reality on the UK tube was Big Brother (before BB hit the US) and all those British gardening shows which have been around since TV was radio.

I worked in the interactive department of a UK teen TV channel called Trouble. We developed Cruel Summer, which took 12 hapless teens and trapped them at a fancy private school (fun fact: in Britain they're called public schools) for 6 weeks while we made them eat disgusting things. Basic, right?

But our audience loved it. And I mean. They. LOVED. It. There were people just like them, with the same accents and the same haircuts, on TV. Which was a super-huge deal for our audience, because mostly our channel just showed That 70s Show and Fresh Prince over and over.

My job was to moderate the chat rooms, edit all the web cam footage for the 'soapy' bits of the broadcast show, and shoot little three-minute webisodes - back before the word even existed. Something I learned about teenage girls is that they're more than happy to get undressed in front of a web cam even though/because they know that adult males from the production company are watching everything they do. It was kind of creepy.

Other than inappropriate nudity, working on the show was pretty fun. Mostly because it meant that instead of doing my normal office job (with unreasonably annoying bosses looking over my shoulder every minute), I got to be on location, hanging out with my co-workers and being creative. Kind of.

Oh, and we got to swim in the school's outdoor pool at lunchtime.

After reflecting on Cruel Summer (and the sequels Cruel School, Cruel Winter and Cruel Summer 2), I've realized that being a TV writer is much too hard. Why go to all the trouble of writing those onerous script thingys when you can just audition a bunch of It Kid wannabes and torture them? Plus, if you create reality TV, you don't have to worry about residuals, because no one is ever going to pay to download that dreck.

The other night while I couldn't sleep, a few great reality ideas came to me in a dream. Here they are:

Kitchen Nightmares: Vermin Edition
Project Mop
Are You Smarter than a Marshmallow?
America's Next Top Mop.
America's Next Mop Top.
Are You Smarter than a Mop?

I'm not sure what the obsession is with mops. I guess my house needs cleaning.

I've also read a few reality ideas on other sites that really got me excited. My two favorites (can't remember where they came from):

America's Next Top Reality Show Idea
Are You Smarter Than a Sixth Grader?

C'mon everyone! With great ideas like this just hanging out in the ether for anyone to grab, why sweat it out trying to be a writer?

Things that are clogging my arteries
I've been volunteering for Write Girl, a super-cool organization that mentors teenage girls and encourages them to write and think and make the most of their writerly abilities. Today we had a potluck volunteer event. I was part of the clean-up committee, and as such, was forced to take home an entire box of left-over donuts and pastries. They'll be clogging my bloodstream and those of my friends for many many days to come.

Snag to peep ya my killer Chondrichthyes

2007-11-28T16:41:00.000-08:00

If you're a newbie from Alex's blog, yo beatches, it's like way snag to peep ya! Dope, yo. Sorry, kidding. I don't really blog like that. Or talk like that. I read a blog once that employed some of that style. It was very distracting. I couldn't tell if the blogger was for realsies. Yeah. I'm about as hip as JD Scrubs.

Moving on...

I'm still working with Ellen Sandler and actually doing the exercises and everything like the good non-sinning girl I really am. My pilot is taking shape. In my head at least.

But I've hit the same wall I always hit when trying to break a story. Just as I'm about to sit down and really work out the beats, I start second-guessing my story. I fall into the trap of being just really not sure if this is the right story to tell, or if the way it pans out is the right way, or if I couldn't make it much more exciting with the addition of some top-hat wearing assassin sharks or something. Um, okay, probably not. But maybe? Uh, what do you think? Assassin sharks? It could work, right?

Where's my room full of writers when I need them?

I can't believe I've never really looked at Jill Golick's blog, Running With My Eyes Closed before. Maybe it's because I've never written a pilot before. Makes sense. You shouldn't run with your eyes closed. Unless you're somewhere really really soft. If you're writing a pilot, her discussion of what makes pilots tick really gets you thinking.

Warning. Thinking can be hazardous to productivity.

Things that are clogging my arteries
I'm totally over my Slacker Excuses segment and it doesn't look like I'm getting out to the strike this week (I'll buy extra Pencils to make up for it), so I've decided to start a new segment. I considered calling it Things That Are Making Me Fat, but I didn't want people to start thinking I was packing on the pounds Britney style (or is that a new baby?), so I chose to put the emphasis on health instead.

Yeah, so anyway. Clogged arteries.

Cold Stone Creamery. Love It size, Founder's Favorite flavor. The creamery is reasonably new to me. We don't have such a thing in Canada (it's too cold there. we don't eat ice cream. in our igloos). But I'm pretty hooked now. Thing is, totally expensive. Usually when we go there, we just make up our own flavors, but I had a coupon (2-4-1) for one of their standard combos. Hence, Founder's Favorite - now my favorite, too. There's still some in the freezer.

Rassling with major flaws

2007-11-25T14:21:00.001-08:00

Seems like the happier I am with my writing, the less I feel the need to blog. My Bones spec is still giving me pains, so here I am.

My major struggle (since I solved the last major struggle) has been with theme. The other two specs I've written are for two shows that revolve tightly around theme – Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy. Hell, Grey's even goes so far as to state the theme upfront in Meredith's voice over, just in case you're too thick to notice it on your own.

But with Bones, the themes, such as they are, are usually added with a delicate hand, so as to be almost undetectable. In fact, sometimes they're so subtle, they're not there at all. Also, the theme doesn't always/often have much of an emotional impact on the characters.

Thing is, that's not good enough for me. I want to weave in a theme, kick my characters asses with it, have it be strongly linked to the A and B stories, and make it seem natural, like it completely belongs there.

Whoa. Now that I see that on-screen, I understand my own struggle a little better.

Turkey day notes
There are no strike shenanigans to report, so instead, let's talk about Thanksgiving. First, let me preface this by reminding you, I'm Canadian. In Canada, we do have Thanksgiving (it's in October), and it does celebrate the mass slaughter of native Americans by encouraging the mass slaughter of turkeys (I'm not sure I'm grasping the true nature of the holiday here), but as with everything in the US, Americans do Thanksgiving waaaay bigger.

I'm amazed by the lengths people will go to to be with their families on this day, sharing food and unearthing childhood rivalries. It's actually a pretty beautiful thing at its heart, despite annual turkey killings.

However, I'm equally dismayed by the lengths to which some people will go to save a few bucks on Black Friday. Really, camping out with the family in a Best Buy parking lot all day? I guess it's still family time, but isn't the commercialization of one annual holiday (namely Christmas) enough already? Then again, maybe a shiny new plasma TV is just the ticket for warding off those holiday family arguments.

Step 3: Become better sinner

2007-11-19T14:01:00.000-08:00

The more books on TV writing I read, the more I become convinced that if you've read Alex Epstein's Crafty TV Writing and all of Jane Espenson's blog, you're golden.

But someone sent me a free copy of Ellen Sandler's The TV Writer's Workbook, so as a way of procrastinating and still accomplishing something (if you're accomplishing something, is it still procrastinating?) I started to give it a read. So far I've learned three valuable lessons.

1. I suck at workbooks.

Really. I'm good at reading. But when I get to the end of the chapter and they want you to do exercises, I'm all like, sure I'll do exercises, just after I peek into the next chapter to see what's going on there. Ten pages later, I figure the exercise from way back in chapter two can wait.

Which answers my question from two graphs ago. It definitely is procrastination.

2. Without theme, I'm nothing.

One of Sandler's exercises that I did attempt involved writing an episode premise line. Nothing new there. Still, in writing a fresh premise line for my struggling Bones spec, I realized my so-called theme was like microwaved marshmallows. Sweet, but no substance. That little premise line re-focused my mind and this morning's rewriting was a smashing success. For the first time, my Bones is starting to read like their Bones. And not the crappy Bones that pop up every once in a while. The really good ones.

3. I need to sin more

Sandler can come up with a whole page of purely glutinous acts in which she has actively engaged. Wait, that should be pure acts of gluttony. I wasn't trying to invoke Elmer's White Glue - which, incidentally, some sinful kids used to eat in school. Not me. Might have sniffed it a little, but that's it. Never was a sinner. Not even in grade two. Though there was that adorable Mark Sutherland who sparked a few lustful thoughts... couldn't help that. Mark said he liked my red hair. He was much more interesting than arithmetic.

Holy bats on ponies, where was I?

Oh yeah. Sandler and Sin.

Must become a lusty, wrathful, proud, envious, greedy, gluttony-filled, sloth-like creature. Bad for friendships. Great for my art.

So there you have it, folks. Three salient ways to improve my writing, in just six chapters. Thanks, Ellen.

Strike notes
I walked the line at Universal on Friday. It was fan day, but I'm pretty sure the only fans there were BSG nuts (I love the show, but not the way those guys love the show). I felt a little sad for the CSI, Friday Night Lights, and Law and Order people - their gates were all underpopulated and a bit lonely. I was feeling a bit lonely that day, too. Some days I'm a great meet-and-make-small-talk-er. Some days, like Friday, I'm just rubbish at it. I really could have used a strike buddy.

I only spent a couple of hours there and now I feel even more sorry for the writers. Walking up and back in an endless loop, waving at honking Prii (the plural of Prius, natch), and chanting "Union power!" is not nearly as exciting as it sounds, and I'm well aware that it sounds dead boring to begin with.

Managed to have a few little chats with Jane Espenson, who is obviously as lovely a human being as her blog would indicate. We mostly talked about House, and all the TV we'd watch if the strike goes on so long that I run out of new episodes of old favorites and she finds herself with time on her hands. On our mutual to-watch list: Six Feet Under, The Wire, and um, something else, I'm sure.

I also met a guy who won an Emmy in the early nineties for some kids show I admittedly had never heard of. He's now waiting tables to make ends meet. His advice was all along the "Steel yourself, kid. It's a tough business" line.

Also walking for a piece of the internet pie:
• Justine Bateman, very perky and cool. I would never have known it was her, except she kept shaking people's hands and saying "Hi, I'm Justine Bateman. You may remember me from such shows as TV's Family Ties." No. She didn't say that last bit. But I would have loved it if she had. She very cleverly had a strike buddy with her.
• Actor Adam Busch - better known (by me) as Warren from Buffy. Also with strike buddy.*
• Writer Harlan Ellison. Mr Sci-fi. Many buddies.
• Ron Moore, of course. Swamped with fan buddies.

So yeah. I wouldn't say striking is fun. But then, it's not supposed to be. I'm going to head out again tomorrow. Hopefully my inner extrovert will be awake.

*Update: Just discovered Adam Busch's buddy was Amber Benson, one of my Buffy favs. Here's a picture.

Battling obsession - and losing

2007-11-14T11:08:00.000-08:00

I drink a glass of water, and I'm thinking about my pilot. I buy the groceries, thinking about which show to spec next. Stuck in traffic, I mull over the best ways to network. When I sweep the floors, I try to work out how to improve my Bones spec. While I'm watching TV, I'm thinking about story, character, and structure. I'm out running, thinking about the strike. At night, I dream that I meet Aaron Sorkin in an elevator, and he needs a new staff writer.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am obsessed.

The last time I was all-consumed in this manner was during my other life as bassist for The Lollies. The scary thing is, we never really got anywhere. Our dream never came true.

I don't want to spend the next decade being obsessed by writing, only to never get anywhere.

Believing in yourself is really hard. Sometimes.

Strike notes
This video is worthy of The Daily Show.

I went to the strike on Friday. I think 4,000 people is kind of a conservative estimate. For every writer hoisting their sign high in the air, there was a SAG member, a wannabe, or a fan to match them. If you weren't in the front third of the crowd, you didn't hear a word Jesse Jackson said. We got up there for Seth McFarland, though. He was awesome and inspiring. And also funny. Very funny.

I met Jane E briefly. In the thirty seconds I talked to her, she had four other people who wanted a piece of her. I took pity and made our encounter brief. Said hi to Jeff Garlin - I really liked his I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With. Saw Judd Apatow, who my husband kind of knows through working on Walk Hard, but Judd was swamped as well, so the husband didn't interrupt. (Note to self: Must improve husband's networking skills.)

I'll be striking again this Friday, when I expect to meet lots of other TV fans walking in support of the writers. But I won't be getting there at six am. I'll reserve that pleasure for when I actually become a WGAer myself.

The dark blog

2007-11-13T16:08:00.000-08:00

Just a blank page today, in solidarity with The Glowy Box et al who are standing in solidarity with the WGA.

xJ

I support the writers, the writers support me

2007-11-07T17:18:00.000-08:00

In 1988 there were no blogs. In 1988, there were no YouTubes, no iTunes, no webisodes. In 1988, mobile content was the stuff hanging from that thing above your baby's crib. There was no wireless, no bittorrent, and no HDTV.

That was then.

Imagine how much things will change in the next 20 years. You can't. You simply can't imagine. No one can.

Which is why this strike is so thrilling. Thousands of people are coming together - writers, showrunners, actors, directors, teamsters, fans - to fight for the writers' right to a portion of the rewards that will come from something we can't yet imagine. They're also fighting for my right, as a future WGA member, to my portion of that ethereal future something.

Confused? Don't be. Watch this little video. Forward it to your friends. Writers wrote it, so it's pithy, it makes sense, and it's entertaining to boot.

Please make no mistake.

TV fans support the writers. Whedonesque sent pizza. Maggie is wearing red and spending her lunches on the line. We will not watch the reality replacement crap the studios are planning on shoveling into the schedule.

Tomorrow morning, Friday November 9, fans will come together with the writers, the actors, the showrunners, to lend our support.

Fox Studios, 10am. See you there.

If you're not in LA, you can show a bit of support by adding one of these great "Fans Support the Writers" icons to your website.

Point three percent? That's just an insult.

2007-11-05T15:05:00.000-08:00

In a remarkable show of solidarity with the WGA writers, my computer is flat-out refusing to work. It worked fine all day Friday, then Saturday morning, no go.

The happy Apple people tell me I need a new hard drive. Which would make more sense to me if my computer was more than a few months old. But a brand new Mac book needing a brand new hard drive? That's so shoddy I'm almost tempted to switch to PC.

Almost.

Some of you loyal readers may remember this same thing happening to me only a few months ago. Is it me? Am I zapping the hard drive with my eccentric electrical charge?

I think this as a sign that I should go down to the picket lines and show my support. Writers like big boxes of donuts, don't they?

Those of you expecting an email from me regarding that scheme involving drinks and pens we've been dreaming up, hold tight. Things are looking very good. But I may not be able to get to it until my computer is returned to me. Oh, and my hard drive is on back order. So it'll be seven to ten days if I'm super lucky. Which obviously I'm not, or this wouldn't be happening in the first place.

Slacker excuses
Aside from the obvious, my in-laws are here, so I'll be visiting the Getty, Griffith Park, and all those other wonderful LA places. The in-rents want to take the Universal Tour - is it wrong to cross the picket line as a tourist?

Chocolatey delicious advice for wannabes

2007-10-29T16:56:00.001-07:00

As promised, I'm back to share the best bits from the pinnacle, the zenith, the apogee, of the whole Screenwriting Expo 2007 experience. No, it wasn't the lunch. It wasn't the free Celtx USB key. It was, my virtual friends (and real Mom)...

...the extraordinarily peppy Bill Lawrence.

One would think that, after almost 15 years in the business, a writer might be a little cynical. But if there's cynicism brewing in Bill's breast, he kept it well hidden at Expo. He was funny, sincere, and brimming with chocolaty delicious advice for TV-writing babies everywhere.

Plus, after spending an hour-and-a-half on stage entertaining everyone, he exited, followed by at least 30 people (including me) who wanted to get some face time. Bill stayed in the hall for another 45 minutes, until he had shaken hands with all of us and answered all of our questions.

How sweet is that?

So here we go, reissued and repackaged, advice from Bill Lawrence filtered through me and delivered to you.

On career lows
Bill was fired from his first four writing gigs. That's right - four! Talk about discouraging. Instead of quitting to become an embittered New York cabbie, he went home, shed a few tears, and vowed to make some changes. Apparently, as a young writer, he'd had a bit of an attitude in the room. It led to three of the four firings (he deftly skimmed over the details of his departure from Friends). On his fifth job, Bill went in reformed, and he's been a mega-success ever since. So leave the attitude at home, in your closet, on that top shelf that never gets dusted – it will only kill your career if you bring it out to play.

On being a TV writer
It's clear the Bill loves loves loves being a TV writer. This pretty much sums it up:

"If you ever hear a TV writer complaining about their job, you have my permission to kick them in the face."

On working with his wife
Christa Miller, Bill's wife, plays the snarkodelic and irresistibly hilarious Jordan on Scrubs. He says he decided to cast her because "that's pretty much what she's like". Also, he's, like, the only guy in North America who gets to tell his wife where to stand, what to say, and what to wear. Of course, that only applies at work. She chose his outfit for Expo.

On directing TV
Bill says that the whole cast hates it whenever he directs an episode – and he hates it too. "You have to sit there while everyone does each line like seven times. It's so boring!" Every time he has to direct, he tries to go in with a good attitude – this time he'll work hard and do a great job. About 15 minutes in, he's lost interest completely and just wants to run back to the writers' room where everyone is having fun.

On writers' assistants
When my turn for face time came, this is what I asked: "Do you think that the only way into the business these days is by becoming an assistant and working your way up the ladder?"

"Absolutely not," says Bill. He told me that if he was getting into TV writing now, he'd take all that time he spent looking for an assistant gig and channel it into finding representation. Though he's heard of shows that promote their assistants to staff writer jobs, he doesn't really think it works, because in the eyes of the other writers, that person will always be an assistant, not an equal member of the writing staff.*

He also talked, during the event itself, about Scrubs' enviable writer training program. The show hires a new assistant each year. That person spends a year working as an assistant. The next year, they are given an episode to write. Once their episode has aired, the entire staff helps them find an agent, and they are sent out into the world, produced script in hand, blinking their wide brown eyes at the wonders they behold. Wait, he didn't say that last bit – I just got a little carried away marveling at the brilliance of it all.

Every show should adopt this policy. What could be better than getting a year of training in an actual writers' room, then being given a credit and the help of a gang of mentors? It's ideal. C'mon, all the other shows in the world, get with it. Adopt The Scrubs Method now!

Slacker excuses
Too much schmoozing, not enough writing. My Bones is a sad, lonely, and neglected creature. But now I'm ready to feed it the finest oats and curry comb until it shines with a virile glow.

*I discussed this with a fellow TV writer, who also works as an assistant on a real, live sitcom. He didn't agree at all. He knows a couple of assistants who have been transformed into fragile baby-writer butterflies, and they're getting along like ice in a freezer (FYI - that's good. Ice likes it cold).

So there you have it. There are no definitives in this business, but that's why we love it.

Fact: TV writers rule

2007-10-29T09:02:00.000-07:00

You know, I do believe writers are the finest people in the world. And among those people, TV writers are the finest of the fine.

Upon what do I base this massive generalization, you ask?

Screenwriting Expo 6, I answer, quite emphatically. I'm not sure what the emphasis is for, it just sounded good, and since this isn't a script, I don't gotta cut it. So ha!

Sorry. My brain is fuzzy and smudgy from spending four days in an airport hotel.

OK, focus.

Even though I got free Expo admission because I was a finalist (no, I'm not done bragging about that yet), I'm so glad I decided to volunteer at the Expo. Not only do you get free lunch and free parking, even on the days you're not working, you also get to meet hundreds of writers, volunteers, guest speakers, hotel staff... I'm a bit of an introvert, but when everyone around shares a common interest and everyone is so darn nice, smiling, shaking hands, and having a bit of a chit chat is actually fun. I highly recommend volunteering for next year's Expo if you're in the area.

I ran into the winners of the competition in the TV category – in Drama Frederick Kim for Lost and in Comedy Brian Lubocki & Ryan Harris for Family Guy. Brian and Ryan also got into the finals with their Desperate Housewives and got into the finals last year with their screenplay. Frederick was telling me about other comps he's won in previous years with other specs. Talent coming out the yin yang, and all three were super-nice as well.

See? TV writers rule.

More proof, which I will detail in my next post, came in the shape of Bill Lawrence - possibly one of the most enthusiastic and generous writers on the planet.

But before we get to that, here are my Expo highlights and lowlights, including some nuggets of wisdom I'm sharing with all y'all.

Speaker highlights
Richard Walter – Attitude vs Gratitude: Strategies for Securing an Agent
I wouldn't say Mr Walter's workshop was particularly on topic (it should have been called: How Not To Be Your Own Worst Enemy), but it was damned entertaining. The mail bag portion, in which Mr Walter read letters written to him from rage-filled writers was hysterical and shocking in equal measure.

I managed to take away one sweet nugget of advice:

Write to a few writers you admire, tell them why you like their writing, and ask them a question. The theory is, as a writer, they won't be able to resist writing back, and before you know it, you have a connection.

My additional advice on this subject: Don't pick a "famous" writer, like Shonda Rhimes or Jane Espenson. Choose someone slightly more obscure who probably doesn't hear from their adoring public on a regular basis.

Heather Hale – Power Networking
Yes, another networking seminar. You see, I know a lot about writing, so the writing seminars all seemed to be a rehash of things I've heard 100 times already. Networking, on the other hand, is a topic I know ziggledy squat about. I used to think of networking as an inherently despicable yet unavoidable activity. After Ms Hale's workshop, I came away thinking networking might be kind of fun.

Her advice was all about follow-through. Meet someone nice at a conference? Send them a card the next day saying "Hey, it was great to meet you." Maybe ask them a question you simply must know the answer to, or send them something they might find interesting. Just like Richard Walter said, that person may be interested enough to write back. After a while, you have a connection.

Heather also emphasized the following: BE SINCERE. Don't write to someone just because they could help you, even though you found them to be an irritating ego-maniac. Write to them because you're truly grateful for their advice, or you want to share something you think they will find valuable. I used to think networking was all take, take, take - blech. Now that I understand that it can be about building a mutually beneficial relationship, I have renewed respect for the process.

Biggest disappointment
Tim Minear – Breaking the Story
He canceled. We were sad. Poor Tim, he had a nasty case of the flu, and while we wouldn't have minded him sneezing on the front rows, I guess it's probably better that he stayed home. Still, this class is supposed to be a blast, and as one of the few TV events at the Expo, the ticket-holders were most bummed. A few enterprising people suggested we stay and break the story anyway, so that we did. About 8 of us hung out, breaking the Firefly episode that would have taken place right after Serenity. I think Tim would be proud.

The one thing I really didn't like about Expo? TV Writers seem to be second-class citizens there. First, there are only a few workshops specifically designed for us. But most importantly, the winners of the TV Category got $1,000 each. That's it. Not bad, until you consider that the genre winners in movies each got $2,500 and the overall winner got $20,000.

We TV writers really need our own festival.

TV conventions that make you go arrrgh

2007-10-22T16:21:00.000-07:00

You know what I hate?

Three characters are chatting alone in a room on any given TV show. One character moves off to the side, you know, about six feet away. The first two characters start talking about some deep secret that the third character doesn't know. For some reason, despite being JUST RIGHT THERE, that third character can't hear a word they're saying. They don't even seem to realize there's a conversation going on. Deep secret is contained. Third guy remains blissfully unaware. Audience is informed.

Arrrgh. Why oh why, do writers do it?

I know it saves you having to do a whole separate scene, and I know it helps with the practicalities of a shoot, but come on! There's no way in hell ever that could happen in real life. I'm usually pretty great at suspension of disbelief, but seriously, that three-in-a-room thing is one impossible convention that should be eradicated.

What's your TV pet peeve? As future TV writers of America, let's work together to stomp them out.

Slacker excuses
Did you know you can get the most delicious Bloody Mary's at the Cha Cha Lounge in Silverlake for a mere $2 on Sunday afternoon? Well you can. And that leads to needing a nap on Monday afternoon, thereby putting a halt to Monday's productivity.

Dime me up, dime me down

2007-10-20T10:23:00.000-07:00

What are your characters doing just before they enter a scene? I find that my characters are usually doing something stereotypical - in my Grey's they'll be checking a chart, in my Bones, they're usually doing something kind of sciency. So basically, they're sitting around waiting for that other character to come and talk to them and move the story forward.

Bad.

What are your characters doing just before they enter a scene?

In House, the go-to actions for House are: watching TV; playing piano; bouncing his cane.

In Episode 23 of Season 3 of House ("The Jerk" written by Leonard Dick), this happens in one scene:

Cameron and Chase approach House at the nurse's station, all abluster with their news (they're all 'it's an infection!' or whatever). House is, inexplicably, on his knees behind the desk.

They start talking about the case, lots of doctory dialog. Then, a nurse reaches into frame and hands House a dime. He looks at her, says 'Thank you' and continues talking to Chase and Cameron.

A tiny look from Cameron shows that she's just figured out why House is on the floor. He was looking for a dime he dropped.

No one ever comments on it, nothing ever comes of it, it's just a lovely little character moment, so bleeding wonderful because it's totally believable that the miserly House, despite being crippled, would get down on the floor to look for a dime.

It's those moments that take an episode from great to grrrreat (to quote my favorite tiger).

Now I need to work on building a few more moments like that into my scripts.

Slacker excuses
Anybody who has been monitoring my progress through House Season 3 will have noticed I've watched at least three episodes a day for the last week. Only one more episode and I'll be all caught up. It's going to kinda be like running out of Vicodin. Man, will it hurt, but I'll be a lot more productive afterwards.

It's an honor just being nominated

2007-10-18T11:05:00.000-07:00

Great news (for me)! My Ugly Betty spec made it to the finals in the 2007 Screenwriting Expo 6 Screenwriting Competition Television Category. Whew. That's a mouthful.

The list of all finalists and winners in all categories is here.

My script went Top 10, which means I get into the Expo for free. And, much more importantly, I get bragging rights. Now I just have to find the right people to brag to. To whom to brag? Oh, and I have to find my grammar skills.

I've also made the decision to make my specs available for public consumption. Click on the links right over there on the right hand side of this page to download them. Why don't more people do this? Is there some legal or moral issue I'm completely overlooking? I love reading other people's specs. Everyone should post them.

I've been thinking a lot about point of view lately (how's that for a subtle segue?). Yesterday I was watching a House somewhere in the middle of Season 3, and it jarred me to see Cuddy in a scene alone with a patient. I could be wrong, but I think that's the first time there's been a scene from Cuddy's point of view - sure, she's done lots of scenes without House, but Wilson, Cameron, Chase, or Foreman has always been there too. Not so coincidentally, Cuddy's first POV scene is in the episode where it's revealed that House might actually be in love with her. So now I know, big things for Cuddy are coming in the rest of Season 3. Of course, you've all seen it, so please don't tell me if I'm wrong!

I also watched an episode yesterday where Cameron recites a mnemonic for the bones of the wrist. Actually coincidentally, the title of my last post was a mnemonic for the bones of the wrist. Scaphoid, Lunate, Triquetrum, Pisiform, Trapezoid, Trapezium, Capitate, Hamate, since you asked. And yes, I had to look it up.

Sorry about all this House talk. I think I'm addicted. I blame Jane E. She started it.

Slacker Excuses will not be seen in this edition. Instead I bring you:

Things I have dropped from my TiVo-like-device

Dropped
Private Practice (OK, I never added this one to begin with)
Big Shots
Bionic Woman
Reaper (My dream is that Reaper will do badly enough that they'll have to bring back Veronica Mars mid-season. What? It could happen.)

Hanging on by a Thread
Chuck
Dirty Sexy Money
Gossip Girl
Grey's Anatomy

There to Stay
Pushing Daisies
House
Bones
Heroes (though it has not been very good so far this season!)
ANTM (I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it)
The Office
My Name Is Earl
Ugly Betty

Doesn't say much for the quality of the new shows this season, does it? The weird thing is, there are lots of great actors and there's lots of great writing in so many of these shows - it just doesn't seem to be translating into great TV for some reason. Maybe I'm jaded.

Scottish Lads Take Prostitutes To The Caledonian Hotel

2007-10-10T18:26:00.000-07:00

I want to be that cool girl who sits in a café all day, spiking on coffee and rattling off pages and pages of unbelievable scriptage, but...

...it's just, I have a big comfy chair in my office at home. And my iGroove. And no annoying half-fat-extra-hot-double-double- dry-with-an-extra-shot ordering ninnies interrupting my train of thought. I sat in Groundworks on Sunset yesterday for three hours and got. Nothing. Done. The only thing I got out of it was a sore gluteus maximus and an aching trapezius from their extremely non-writer-friendly chairs.

Speaking of which I found a double badass online resource that's a total lifesaver when writing medical or forensic jargon. It's The Visual Dictionary - like Wikipedia but with pictures, and a little more authority, I think.

Slacker excuses
Got my screeners for my AFI FEST articles today. Lots of movies to watch. But Mom, I wanna watch TV!